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Sun Rose Again Today
Kicking fruitlessly at his bumper
Targeting 'I Voted' sticker
Tossed crumbled headline away
Sense of handling the grotesque
"No fifteen dollar minimum wage!"
Surprise
Dominated his inner core
As I,
Long time linquist in 'politician'
Sipped slowly at my coffee
Having made swift translation
Of that one and moved on to page two
Where I read "The Sun Rose Again Today"
He sighed
Violently, so I patted his shoulder
Saying "Alright,
..I'll grab the putty knife for your bumper"
Walking off sipping a rich brew slowly,
Smirking at mug's lengthening shadow
Upon thawing cement as sun climbed higher
Your shrewd and casual style
Your shrewd and casual style was such a brilliant platform for your statement. Absolutely loved this:
"Long time linquist in 'politician'
Sipped slowly at my coffee
Having made swift translation
Of that one and moved on to page two
Where I read 'The Sun Rose Again Today' "
I can visualize the scene and read so much between the lines. You shout it quietly. That's a gift! Always a joy to read and comment on your work.
Much gratitude, Patricia - as
Much gratitude, Patricia - as ever - for your thoughtful analysis and encouragement. Might I seek a piece of advice on this stanza you particularly highlighted?
If so, I could use feedback on the fourth line. I've been tangled between leaving the line as is, and swapping out "that one" for "headline", so that it reads "Of headline and moved on to page two". Would you say there is a beneficial difference to the former or latter, or am I pining over something that is essentially inconsequestional to the whole? If you have any thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them. Thank you, again!
Thank you for your request.
Thank you for your request. Nothing is inconsequential in poetry as everything can hang on one word. I would keep it as is because it would be repetitious to use "headline" in the third stanza after clearly establishing that as the cause of a tirade in the first stanza. You even gave it emphasis with the adjective "crumpled", (Very vivid, by the way.) making it memorable. Also, "page two" makes it abundantly clear you're moving on from the emotionally charged "headline".
The poem is also written in an elegant, breathless style that reads as one sentence even if it's technically not. For that reason repeating the word would weigh it down just a bit, reducing that sense of flow and slightly altering your laid back, conversational style.
No, you were not at all being obsessive. I've agonized over these sorts of details myself until I just decided to go with my first instinct. And that's usually the right decision.
Enjoyed reading this the second time even more than the first!
You're welcome, Patricia, but
You're welcome, Patricia, but really - thank you. Your response and explanation are quite helpful. I see exactly what you're saying, having had it laid out right in front of me the way you managed to. Sometimes, after a while, the page becomes a blur from the pining over a word and it seems to become far less clear. As soon as I read your explanation it cleared right up. :)
First instinct, yes. Funny how many times in life that rule of thumb pops up, and yet it's so hard to remember it ; )