Snug Mountain

Arctic gusts have ruled my day.
I won't turn the table on them,
For that is a lost cause
And I'm tired of losses.
I'm okay

 

To let the snow pile up outside, without a complaint,
On the unharvested food I missed a chance to collect.
As it does on dead growth. Well,
I'll gather what I can tomorrow, I suppose,
When Nature's anger subsides.

 

Here I am in threadbare dwelling,
Below the east ridge of Snug Mountain.
No tattered flag tears at my allegiance,
And I have no idea - by the fireplace reading -
How close we creep towards revolution.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

If you could be so kind, please compare the version shared above with the original, more truncated version below. I'd appreciate thoughts on which seems to come across with more meaning, clarity and overall poetric strength - if either - to you. Thank you, if you can.

Snug Mountain (original)

 

Arctic gusts have ruled my day.
I won't turn the table on them,
For that is a lost cause
And I'm tired of losses.
I'm okay

 

To let the snow pile up outside
On the unharvested food,
As it does on dead growth.
I'll gather what I can tomorrow,
When Nature's anger subsides.

 

Here I am in threadbare dwelling,
Below the east ridge of Snug Mountain.
No tattered flag tears at my allegiance,
And I have no idea - by the fireplace reading -
How close we creep towards revolution.

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Januarian's picture

The second version seems to

The second version seems to be more poetic to me.  I do not know why that should be, both are good poems, but the second version (that is, the one that is not in the notes) is more powerful.


Januarian

[* /+/ ^]

lyrycsyntyme's picture

Thank you, sir, I appreciate

Thank you, sir, I appreciate the analysis and feedback. Having written both the former and then the re-written latter in the wee hours, I eventually got to a point where I couldn't decipher at all which was more productive an effort. Grateful for the feedback I can get - thanks again!

Januarian's picture

You're welcome.  I enjoyed

You're welcome.  I enjoyed the poem very much!


Januarian

[* /+/ ^]