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I like to think I am ok

that when any one person approaches me

I am not suddenly afraid of them.

No I do not worry they will step too close.

No I am not holding my breath.

No I do not think you might hurt me.

In middle school, my mom says I was popular.

She says all the boys drooled all over me,

but their hands were all over me.

They made jokes about my body,

dared eachother to touch my butt

or sometimes my boobs.

My mom didn't know,

so, she just told me those boys love you.

That's why I didn't stop them.

I wasn't told it wasn't ok.

But as I grew older

I learned I felt violated

and I was not respected as a woman.

Maybe that's why

when my boyfriend grabs my ass

just to show those other guys that I am his,

I push him away.

Forgetting who he is

and suddenly feeling ashamed again.

He asked me for nudes once,

but the flashbacks came

from when a boy told me

he could only love me

if I showed him a picture of my tits

and I believed him.

I have never been so ashmed to know

some fuckboy might still have tit pics

lurking in his phone

for when he wants to get it off.

I never opened his pictures.

I didn't want sex.

When he asked, I cried.

No one in the world

has ever made me feel more vulnerable.

Every man I come across,

I fear.

I can't even stand close to my own grandfather.

Even though he would never rape me,

he could hurt me.

Too many times we have come face to face

with my hands by my sides

and his palms in the air.

I specifically remember him saying

"I will hit you."

My mother has woken up

with broken wrists,

wobbly knees,

and bruises covering her body.

My step father brought those to her

along with a hole in the wall

and a broken baby chair.

He wonders why I won't visit.

But I won't admit I am afraid.

One night, when I was higher than the clouds

my mind brought new ideas

like my twin sister who talks with her hand

was actually trying to attack me.

I kept backing up;

yelling at her.

I never knew I could fear the only person

I was ever close to.

Even if she tried to kill me three times,

we were supposed to have this unseperable bond.

Too bad she was the one trying to sever it.

She broke me,

shattering my bones one by one.

I have never been more afraid of someone

than I am of her.

After she physically abused my mother

and lied to everyone about it.

I know if anyone in this world kills me

she would be the first to do it.

Isn't the saying 

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself"

so funny.

Maybe that person lived under a rock.

THE WORLD IS A SCARY PLACE.