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Waiting + Desire to Die.
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Pages From My Diary. Sometimes death seems like such a reliable option. When all else fails I could always die. It's always there. Everything else will let you down but death never will. It's by your side through thick and thin, always. It will never leave you on your own. It will always be there, waiting for you to make that fateful decision. Waiting, waiting. You are all it cares about. Life is fighting a war you cannot win, no matter how hard you try it is impossible to succeed. And for that, death is there for you. Waiting.
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Desire to Die
There's nothing in me that says I want to die. People, professionals, label me as suicidal though I have no willingness to die. They don't understand that I hurt myself because I have an overwhelming need to do so. If I were not to do it I would feel something missing from my very soul. I would feel incomplete. I feel a sense of accomplishment at having hurt myself. It's something I can't feel any other way. Yet when I explain this to others they don't understand, telling me I have an intense desire to die. It is normal to be afrraid of dying. I believe I'm terrified of the thought. I know deep down I'm suicidal but I continuously reject the idea for fear others will take it the wrong way.
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Finally she realizes the pain of living and wonders what it's like dying. But it's cold here too.
I've been checkin up on old works and such that were done.... I see you haven't written anythin in a while or maybe I'm not lookin hard enough hah.
This reminds me very much of a Nortt quote (he does depressive suicidal doom black metal- I know it's a long genre)... He notes that death is erotic, a breath of fresh air (ironically). It is true that death is eternal and life is short... but therefore you'd think it'd make you fight all the harder because this is the one chance we have.
I've read a lot of your other stuff too... I am humbled that you are willing to put stuff like diary pages and very personal information out for the world to read... either as a hard truth or for sympathy. Whatever the situation has become now... I hope it's gotten better.
While I have more insight
While I have more insight today than 12 years ago (and while I am still alive :p), depression is a daily struggle. I still mostly agree with this writing, except that my relationship with death now feels more natural and matter-of-fact than looming or antagonistic. My goal in the last couple of years has been to suss out what makes me want to keep living, and I am finding some things :)
I also wonder why I posted these things, and I imagine it was to feel some connection to other people. Tonight I have been "weeding through" and have been struck by the "I feel this too" comments. I have always felt very lonely and detached from others...it is a sore point in therapy. Reading through my teen poetry has given me a lot of laughs! Still, it is sad. I wish so many folks did not feel that way, so today I focus on being kind and understanding.
Nortt sounds right up my alley.
It has been a decade since your comment, even! I hope you are well.