Author Information
Falling Apart
Folder:
Emotional Lows My final gasp for air is denied
As the lethargic wave of blue crashes
O’er my head.
And I sink into this sand once holding strong
Only to accuse it of pulling harder,
And harder, and harder this life gets.
My knees crumble and my head goes beneath the cold
To think as the light dissolves on the surface,
That it was not the sand holding strong but I.
And now it is I desperately trying to not fall apart.
Hi, ok since you asked...
Hi, ok since you asked...
these lines don't join nicely from one idea to the next like the rest of the poem also there is a grammar or typo mistake that doesn't make sense and throws it out of whack a little
And I sink into... No need for and, its too wordy with it,
and [To think as ] or [and I realise as] the light dissolves on the surface,
That [is] -it- was not the sand holding strong but I.
And now it is I, desperately trying, [to not] -not to- fall apart.
Nothing big, and not necessary unless you think so, ultimately just the (is) to it :)
It's a great poem thanks for sharing! :)
Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS
"Well, it's love, but not as we know it."
Yed indeed
Continuity is achieved by avoiding two letter words and by putting I at the beginning of the poetic line where the subject does not live in the word "it". Also keeping the imagry consistent - beneath the waves became crumbling and falling apart, rather than going under and calling it a day. Poem ended but you kept going. If you wanted more, tie it to the sun on the surface, the memory of sand, the shaking off the sand and stoking for the sun and the surface...consistency of imagry. The broken syntax is not how you think or put words together in your head. Continuity lives in your head - Just a few observations. I liked the beginning of the poem enormously - Lady A
I agree with all you
I agree with all you said!
Sorry for my late reply, i've been busy of late.
I admire your work so thank you for the time of helping my own!
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
~Steven Kloves (screenplay), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, 2004, spoken by the character Albus Dumbledore
very good!
A bit of smoothing and continuity needed atthe end but a good piece none the less :)
Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS
"Well, it's love, but not as we know it."
I thought so too when I put
I thought so too when I put it up.
How can I get continuity exactly for future reference?
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
~Steven Kloves (screenplay), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, 2004, spoken by the character Albus Dumbledore
I will say this piece caught
I will say this piece caught my eye, its interesting and makes you think. the only downside would be that it is too short :P but still amazing. Keep writing.
Thank you! You're far too
Thank you!
You're far too kind. I hope to have as many wonderful pieces as you one day.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
~Steven Kloves (screenplay), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, 2004, spoken by the character Albus Dumbledore