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My Monologue with Death
My Monologue with Death
I have been thinking of dying but the thought of leaving my daughters is terrifying to me.
Why do I wanna die?
Who would want to live in a place where people treat you like you dont exist?
why would you want to live if you cannot be the best person you can be?
why would you want to live if the person you love seems to take you for granted, like you are never going to leave, like you will wont be hurt, like you wont be pissed?
why would you want to live if your tears do not matter?
Why would you want to live if your daughter thinks you're a monster?
why would you want to live if you work hard, try youre best and still you dont have enough?
why would you want to live if the Angels that follow you everywhere seem not to do anything?
why would you want to live when you feel like youre always second best? never first!
why would you want to live if you beg for someone you love to do something that is good but is shut down over and over and over?
why would you want to live when everyday you see that you're life force is treated like a slave and when you try to do something about it, youre a bad mother?
why would you want to live if when you want to end things you are kept from doing it because of a love that is taken for granted??
why would you want to live when you want to be alone with the one you love, and they want to be alone by themselves?
why would you want to live when you try to be with someone that clearly needs you for what you can do for them, not coz they clearly cannot live without your love?
why would you want to live when you can see the future, try to warn and change it but people refuse to listen to you until its too late?
why would you want to live when you've been treated like a leper all your life , you become somebody and still youre treated like a leper still?
why would you want to live when you cant even tell people you are inlove with this man?
Why would you want to live when all you have with this man is the weekend and he wants the weekend to himself?
Why would you want to live when all that love you genuinely are all in heaven or so fucking far away??
why would you want to live to live when youre best friend that you can talk to is not there when you want to cry on their shoulder??
why would you want to live when all of your hard work is shot down with one email that has no word of truth in it sent to your superiors?
Why would you want to live when the poeple who can validate that you are not a monster are no where to be found?
why would you want to live when you are tired and there is no one there to comfort you?
why would you want to live when you just need a hug and there is no one there to give it to you?
why would you want to live when you want to be curled up in the arms of the one you love and all he has time for is his own comfort and what you can do for him?
Why am I here? why do I suffer?
All I want is to raise my kids so they can be somebody that wouldnt have to go through what I am going through... my worst fear might be true...
I am already dead...
I have not laughed genuinely for a long time...
I have not lived for a long time, the very people that may help breathe life in me are either too innocent to know I need it or too full of themselves to even notice I am left for dead...
The question is why do we want to live?
Who would want to live in a place where the body does not exist?
Nobody is perfect so being the best is out of the question.
Everybody takes everyone for granted. Emotions are normal. To feel is to be alive. To live is a gift.
Tears are great and often cherished it is the memories we have and share that make us remember to grieve. They matter to the people who are most close. The people you most less likely to think of that would care.
Your daughter must be young. she has yet to experience such things. We all have our moments. I doubt that you are a monster.
We never will have enough. That is the problem. Everybody is so money hungry we take and give nothing adds up to an equal.
Angels are there to guide you not live a life for you.
Noone is ever first. We are all second best in gods eyes.
We were given the gift of free will and it is hard to tell someone what to do and how to act.
Every mother would always want is best for their daughter. Why would we want to hold back such great ambition?
Because we are scared to let go it is hard to ever end things.
Some people need time and space to cope with their daily lives.
Because of the love that you so greatly share it is hard to not give the other person what they need.
People like to live out thier own lives to thier own experience. Even if you did change something .. somewhere something will come crashing down. We can't fix everyones problems, but we can help and try to be there for them.
Because they are jealous of what a great success you are. Your somebody when they cant even become something.
Sometimes we get scared of what others would think, but sometimes we learn to accept thier opinions.
Then that man is not for you because apparently he is seeing someone esle.
Sometimes we are left alone to find out life by ourselves, and oh what a beauty it is.
Your best friend is always there .. in your heart.
Never be afraid of who you are and always stand up for yourself, because if you dont people will always walk over you.
Then you realize who your true freinds are for true friends will always have your back in anything no matter how far away.
Of course there is always someone there to comfort you. All you have to do is look towards God.
If a hug was all you needed you have no need but to ask.
Then the one you love is very selfish.
Noone knows quite the reason that we are here .. i have asked myself that question plenty of times and yet havent come up with a decent answer. We may never know.
Your not the only one that suffers. We all do.
As we get older we realize that no matter what we would always want the best for the ones that we love .. even if we cant give it to them. It is so hard to protect the ones you love from the cruelty of the world, but also we figure out that we must sometimes just sit back and let them figure it out on thier own. All that they are asking for is a little freedom.
We are all dieing. Slowly but surely. Either way we are going to get there eventually.
Laughter is something so easy to do, but yet so easy to forget.
I am here for you if you need me. Although I do not know you. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to.
I love your writings.
I hope me responding to your questions was okay.
But noone should think of ever dieing.
Life is so precious just to throw away, even if it has its moments. We live a miracle. Cherish it.
Never stop writing.
Always here if you need me.
~ash.
"We are, Each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another." -Luciano De Crescenzo