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Time to go light a cigarette with a toaster.
Crawling inside inner space, I try and focus on my being and I get nothing. My existence is too complex to hold in my eyes. I feel very strange. I have all this inside my brain; it is all cluttered one big fucking mess. It is overwhelming. Whatever this shit is. I feel it every now and then. It is almost like sometimes I forget this feeling and I just float through life and then it come to haunt me, I forget who I am.
But, I remember what this feeling is. It seems to be the true form of me. It is not a beautiful thing. I curl up into a little ball inside my brain. Looking out at “real life” seems worthless when I have this feeling. I do wonder if anyone else feels this way and if anyone completely understands it. Not to help me. Just to rub it into the pours of my skin. Just to hear the nightmare with my ears in reality. Words are not enough, sight, sound, taste do not exist in this world of true form. It is nothing and everything. Beyond fantasy or fiction! An itch beyond scratching. I feel nothingness. That is this place… stuck inside a pitch black cell inside my brain with a drop of water letting me know I am still alive.
I cannot hold back from dwelling on this feeling. To everyone I meet and everyone I know, everything seems fine on the outside. But just behind my eyes into my skull is a place that eats my flesh from the inside out. I have grown to accept this feeling. I live in it. I slowly forget how to react to society. I forget what reality is. I forget what I was doing before I moved into inner space. The weight of this has crushed my shell. I am no longer human.
I feel like a monster. I hold myself back from going to this place because I know what will happen. I have been in your mental hospitals. I have seen the test of sanity. I can conform to what people like to see and hear. But this beast inside me wants more of my thoughts. I am possessed by my own thoughts.
I have self-control. I do get overwhelmed at times and have irrational thoughts. I have learned to never react to this monster who is me. I regret writing. I regret thinking.
Thank you for sharing this. I
Thank you for sharing this. I have stated on many occasions that my own perception of incarnating in human form is very personal, and each to his/her own path we need to walk. I did not always feel so strongly about that, but after many of my own trials and tribulations in life I arrived at this understanding, and it works for me...well. Hence I would never say to another..."Oh, I know just how you feel". How absurd, right? For even if one claims to have the ability to 'possess' another's psyche, mind, spirit, whatever...it would make sense through a even a small understanding of physics that there would be some change in perception in the process of such a thing, no?
I do think there are times when we all feel as though there is 'something else' of which we 'have no control over' that possesses us. What I have found for myself is that we live in a world of conditioning that trains us to think the real things of the spirt are unreal, and the unreal (material world) is real, so our subconscious is in a constant struggle with this from birth. How we come to join the two together depends upon many different things and people who we choose (prior to out birth) to guide us on our soul's (which we may be conditioned to think of as 'the monster') task to complete for this incarnation.Of course this is just my own interpretation of things and very easy for me to say now that i have learned to love and lsiten to my 'monster', who I am finding out is not such a bad entity once I decided that I had a twisted sense of what is important in this life. Don't get me wrong, I always had what the 'moral majority would call 'good morals', but all condemnation crap and a lot of other bullshit I was taught was well....just that.
Sometimes you have to keep asking the strangest questions until every question is answered in order to fly above the storms...that we all carry, just some people never get the balls to delve into their own personal storms---they are satisfied with the same humdrum stories and repetitive jargon and spiritual dogma that has imprisoned a lot of humanity for centuries...maybe eons!!
I am touched by your authenticity and openess. Very bold piece of writing. Thank you for sharing. Peace.
...and he asked her, "do you write poetry? Because I feel as if I am the ink that flows from your quill."
"No", she replied, "but I have experienced it. "