A note to my "father"

So many thoughts in my mind have led me to this point.

Since the day you left me, I felt a piece of me was destroyed.

I was only 6 yrs old but knew then it would be hectic.

And till this day I feel like you never think of me for a second.

I guess it was good for my mom that you left since you always beat her ass.

Even did it right in front of me, what kind of shit is that?

The family we planned to be, never seemed to work out.

And many times I sat there cryin, simply tryin to figure out.

What I could do to get you to come back around.

But I guess its a test for me to pass instead of being down.

Not many days were sunny, it was like all I could see was the rain.

Said that you'd show up, but you never did which caused even more pain.

Got so excited in junior high when you showed up to my house.

Haven't seen you since I was six so with excitement I came running out.

It was one of the few happy moments for me and I couldn't help the words coming out of my mouth.

Told you I loved you and how I missed you and wanted you to stay.

And got even more excited when you said that you'd pick me up from school the very next day.

I'm so forgiving and wanted to give you another chance

But at the end, you disappointed me once again.

The plan was to pick me up, take me shoppin, but instead you stood me up.

What was even worse was the long walk home because I had missed the bus.

Countin on you to be there, weeks went by and I decided to call you.

You never answered and its fucked up because that was the last time I ever saw you.

Years went by, then you called me just days before my graduation.

Told me you'd make it but ended up leaving me hangin.

Texted me the next day "sorry I could'nt be there", I wasn't accepting any excuse.

Because as a low life dad I began to realize that's just what you do.

I often wonder if you were still with my mom would she still be hurtin.

All I ever seen after you were guys who turned out to be worthless.

My whole life I tried to play it off like our relationship didn't bother me.

But once I seen you taking care of another family it really startled me.

What about us, you were never there so does that make us worthless?

Just let me know whats your excuse of why we got done so damn dirty.

I needed a father then, forget now, I'm tired of waitin.

I gave you so many chances but you'd never take them.

Sometimes I want to smack the shit out of you just for all the lyin.

And all the lonely nights you had me thinkin and sick in silence.

Went through a part of my life when I was so depressed.

Could hardly look in the mirror because I had become such a mess.

The image of myself bothers me a little because we look alike.

And it reminds me of how you decided not to be in my life.

Like damn, you couldn't show up just one time?

You callin yourself a father is just one cold lie.

I stopped playing the sport you taught me that I truly loved.

Cause everytime I stepped on the court it would remind me of us.

Never showed up for my games, but I always caught myself looking in the stands.

Really hoping and believing one day it would be you standing there.

But I can't let this eat at me forever, I guess I have to move on.

I felt stepped on and you knew all along that you were wrong.

I know one thing is I refuse to be anything like you.

I promise myself that I'd be a better dad...times two!

And give my future kids the life I only dreamed I had.

It's just a shame that you could be such a fucked up dad.

Author's Notes/Comments:

This is pretty much just an expression of some of my childhood and the relationship between my dad and I. I orignially wrote this as a song but I don't really know the roads of doing that. It's really just a freestyle I put together straight from my mind. I didn't give it too much of an image yet so this pretty much just a rough draft. I figured that I just say what I had to say and make it rhyme and try to turn it into a poem for now and maybe one day make the song because this is all coming from within my thoughts throughout my childhood to now. I really wish to let him see this so he knows how I feel and I plan on making sure that that happens. I just want him to understand the pain that I went through growing up because of him and I want him to see that it wasn't okay to do. No child was asked to be brought to this messed up world and I feel like if you bring someone into this life you should do the best to take care of them, and my dad didnt do that for me or my other brothers and sisters. But in a way I appreciate it because I learned to appreciate and love my mom so much more. Thats my number one woman and we have a bond that no one can take from us and shes a part of me. I'd do anything for her. If she just so happens to tell me to slap somebody, they better be prepared to fight because i'm gonna do it lol but shes a big part of my life and the most beautiful and caring and strongest person I ever knew. And one day I plan on making a poem for her but I feel like so many words cant explain the love I have for her and how much I appreciate her being there for me and 7 other brothers and sisters. See i'm already getting carried away with talking about her lol but anyways I hope people enjoy, especially the ones that can understand and relate to my story of not having a father around.