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Dear Little Evan, #6
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Dear Little Evan, You found pornographic magazines under your brother's bed today. I teared up just writing that sentence, because I know where that discovery is going to lead you. It began innocently enough, your body is beginning to develop in ways you weren't adequately prepared for. Sexuality in its proper place is a perfectly natural and wonderful thing; but the pornography is going to trap you. Within five years you'll find yourself addicted, wanting to stop but completely unable to. Twenty years from now, when I am now, you'll be on day seven without watching porn.
I am so sorry for the road that lies ahead of you, for all the lonely years of addiction; and for the heavy weight of shame you will carry as you struggle and fail to break free. I am so sorry for every broken relationship, for the sexual dysfunction you are going to face. For the lack of self-worth that you will feel most days. For the shroud of condemnation resting on your heart. I'm sorry for putting you through this pain; and I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me for not getting help sooner.
I know you're gonna tell yourself that you aren't good enough, that there is no possibility that your mess could be redeemed. I know you're going to believe that there is no way out, that God couldn't possibly love you after all the mistakes you've made; but that's not true, Little Evan, God has never stopped loving you and He's going to see you through this. He's going to wash you clean.
I'm in therapy for it now, and it has been a safe place to talk about our struggle. There's a support group you'll find, full of men just like us who have the same addictive tendencies. There is hope, Little Evan, and I don't want you to ever lose sight of that. I never want you to forget that it's never too late to turn around and make the right decision. It's never too late to change. You are good enough, just as you are, even when the world lies and says you aren't. You deserve to heal, move forward and forgive yourself. I just wish it hadn't taken twenty years of suffering in silence to finally believe it. I wish it hadn't taken so long to finally forgive myself.
From me to you,
Big Evan
The amount of courage
The amount of courage required to post this is beyond my ability to describe: "off the charts," though a trite phrase to use, is the only way I can think of to describe it.
The now defunct Soviet Union, of which I am no admirer whatsoever, had an award, given to those whose accomplishments, in that kind of society, were considered very great---Hero of Socialist Labor. In the ideal world, PostPoems would have an award, Hero of Transcendent Poetry, and you would definitely receive it for this series.
J-9thxciv (J 9th 94)