Author Information
JD Chops Wood
Folder:
Screenplay Scenery INT. DAKINI'S KITCHEN TABLE - MORNING
Johnny sips coffee from a dainty teacup, Nicholas sharpens an axe.
JD
Do you people not eat?
NICHOLAS
Dakini eats only fruit that she picks from the trees in her garden.
JD
What about you? I mean it must take a lot of food for you to, you know, maintain that physique.
NICHOLAS
Let me ask you Johnny - are you hungry?
JD
Why no actually I'm not.
NICHOLAS
It is like I say - Dakini's love is the only food a man needs.
JD
Say where is Dakini?
NICHOLAS
That is none of your business. Dakini is working very hard at being Dakini.
Nicholas runs his thumb along the axe blade.
NICHOLAS
Come Johnny let us go chop wood.
JD
Chop wood? Why I've never chopped wood in my life.
NICHOLAS
Yes I know. It will be good for you - it will make you into a man.
JD
But I'm already a man.
NICHOLAS
The first thing we do is take off our shirts.
Nicholas removes his shirt to reveal his bronze Adonis-like torso, he flexes a huge bicep. Johnny takes off his shirt and looks down at his weak arms and withered chest, says to himself.
JD
By damned the large Lithuanian has a point.
EXT. WOODPILE - DAY
Nicholas, bare muscular chest glistening in the sun, gives Johnny instructions. He gestures from right to left.
NICHOLAS
Take the wood from this side and chop it small and then put it on this side.
JD
So let me get this straight. I take the wood from this side and then I put it on that side.
Confused, Johnny points from left to right. Nicholas points back the other way.
NICHOLAS
No take it from this side and put it on that side. I know that you are a wise guy Johnnydeppp and I am watching you. You might not be able to see me but I am watching. You work now. I must go massage Dakini's exquisite breasts for her.
Nicholas walks away, tan back rippling as he moves. Johnny scratches his head, looks back to the two piles of wood.
MANY HOURS LATER....
Johnny chops wood while Nicholas trains a small fluffy white dog to do a trick. The dog wears a pink clown collar covered with white polka dots. It executes a perfect pirouette on its hind legs.
NICHOLAS
Very good Luna very good.
He lifts the dog, hugs it, lets it lick his face. Johnny winces. The dog yaps once at him.
NICHOLAS
When I first come here, this dog, she hate me. Then I learn, to get to Big Dakini I must first get to Little Dakini. And then I make her fall in love with me and now we are best friends. Isn't that right my little Luna?
The dog licks his face again. Johnny winces.
JD
But how did you make her fall in love with you?
Nicholas puts the dog down.
NICHOLAS
This you must find out for yourself.
He turns and walks away. Luna yaps twice at Johnny before trotting off after Nicholas.
NICHOLAS
Yes I know my Luna, he takes way too many breaks.
MANY MORE HOURS LATER...
Nicholas and Luna come to check on Johnny, who is in a full sweat now. Nicholas crosses his arms, surveys the two piles of wood.
NICHOLAS
Johnny it looks like you are not making very much progress.
Johnny looks up bewildered. The two piles of wood appear to be exactly the same size.
JD
Huh. That pile does not appear to be getting any bigger. And neither does that pile appear to be getting any smaller.
NICHOLAS
Whether or not the pile gets bigger or smaller is none of your concern.
JD
But if I'm not chopping wood to make this pile smaller and that pile bigger then why am I chopping wood?
NICHOLAS
Because Dakini says to chop wood. Keep working. I must go shave Dakini's legs for her.
JD
Shave her legs?
NICHOLAS
She grow the hair on her legs just so that I can have the great pleasure of shaving them. Dakini knows that I am crazy for hairy legs. Come along Luna.
Luna yaps twice at Johnny before catching up to Nicholas.
NICHOLAS
Yes my sweet pickle, he is a very lazy boy.
JD
But I'm a man.
MANY MANY MORE HOURS LATER...
NICHOLAS
Ok Johnnydepp. Dakini has taken pity on you. You may stop now.
Johnny drops the axe, sits down on a stump of wood.
NICHOLAS
Now we go carry water.
JD
Carry water?
NICHOLAS
Don't worry Johnny. You do a good job I might let you have a cigarette.
