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To Someone,

  Why is this all so confusing? I get with Tommy thinking that is what I want and then Sam and Holly find out...and they tell me things, say things, do things to try and seperate the two of us...and I don't want that to happen, yet I am not sure now if being with him is what I want.  He told me all he wants is for me to be happy, and Alex said the same thing.  To tell you the truth, I don't feel anything weird w/ Alex, I don't really have any feelings toward him anymore that are more than friendship.  But Chris...I finally think I am over him and then I realize that I'm not.  And Sam and Holly try and throw it in my face that I am with Tommy and yet I feel what I do for Chris.  What, it's not like I want to feel what I do.  If I had a choice, I would get rid of the feelings because they aren't doing any good for anyone.  And Tommy knows that I have feelings towards Chris.  Atleast I am being honest with him.  Tommy asks me almost every day if the feelings for Chris are gone, and sometimes I feel like they are...and yet sometimes I feel like they aren't.  I just don't know anymore.  I realize that I don't have a chance with Chris.  I know what deep inside of me: he doesn't care about me that way.  But I still care about him, and if that is going to interfere with me and Tommy then I don't know if Tommy and I should be together.  Would it hurt Tommy more not to be with me or to be with me knowing how I feel about Chris?  I don't see a point to be wanting to be with Chris when I know I can't.  That's the same thing Holly is doing to Tommy. Except I am not trying to break up Chris and his girlfriend. (Not that he has one, but I'm saying, if he did I wouldn't.)  Most of the time I wish that what Chris used to feel for me was still there inside of him.  Then I could be with him and be happy.  But I also know that it is gone, probably for good, and nothing I do or say to him is going to change that.  Tommy says I should tell Chris how I feel, and then I might have a chance at happiness. But that's just not how it works.  I think Chris knows...well, he must know to some extent, how I feel: I just don't think he realizes still how strong the feelings are.  I throw hints at him and flirt with him all the time, and yet he doesn't snow any signs of knowing.  But then again, that is how he is.  But it's like, Chris jokes around with me all the time, saying he doesn't want me to do certain things...and most of the time when he says that he is joking, but sometimes he isn't.  And over the internet it is hard to tell when he is joking and when he isn't.  That make relationships over the internet so hard.  Anyways, he told me he didn't think he could handle a girlfriend and I told him I thought he could, and he goes, 'you just don't get it' I was like, 'well, I guess I don't then'  He kept saying he couldn't handle one until I go, 'well, there goes my hopes' he's like, 'hopes of what?' and I said 'uh..um, nevermind' and most of the time when I say nevermind he makes me tell him what I was going to say...this time he didn't push it thank goodness; I don't know what I would have done.  The other day I was talking to him, and we were talking about school dances.  He said that he had never really been to the point of liking someone enough to ask them to a dance, except recently, with Kristin, he almost did, but he just let it pass.  He said he couldn't ever get up the nerve to ask a girl.  And he also said the only way he would go to the dance was if a girl asked him.  So I told him I would get Kristin to find someone to ask him.  And he goes, "You aren't serious are you?" And I told him I wasn't, and he said that for a moment there he wished that I had been serious, because it would save him a lot of time and embarrassment, but then he came to his senses and realized he didn't want me to.  So after that I started thinking seriously about it, and I e-mailed Kristin and told her all of what he said, and then I told him that I actually e-mailed her, and he was like, 'well, she'll think it was all your idea anyway' and I go, "yeah, she would, except for the fact that..well, nevermind" He said, "No, nevermind what? except for what fact?"  And I tried to change the subject, but eventually I just sent him a copy of the e-mail I sent Kristin.  And he was like, "This is too embarrassing to read" and said he was gonna e-mail Kristin and tell her to disregard my e-mail.  So, stupid me, I actually thought he did.  And I talked to Kristin the other day, and she said he never e-mailed her.  So she also said she would try to find someone to ask him, but that'd it'd be hard cause she didn't know any of his friends that were girls.  And I go, "Yeah, well, he doesn't have any"  and she was like, "oh"  So I dunno what she's gonna do...I really do think a girlfriend would be good for him.  I mean, he even told me when I was with him that I really helped his self esteem.  So I think he does need another girlfriend.  I mean, I guess maybe he wouldn't be able to handle it, like he said, if they broke up, it would be hard for him, for the rejection.  But he is a wonderful guy: that's what really gets me.  Despite all of the sarcasm and stuff he says, he is a great guy.  And eventually someone besides me is going to realize that.  And they will be a really lucky person: more than they know.  Right now I really wish that I was in Kent, so I could go to the dance with him.  But I can't, and I want him to be happy, above everything else.  Anyway, I don't know how to deal with what I feel abot him, but I just don't want to go on like this, being with one guy and feeling what I do for Chris, it makes me feel guilty, even though Tommy knows.  Maybe he is right: maybe I should just tell Chris how I feel.  But like I said b4, he has got to know to some extent.  And even if we did get together again, me and Chris that is, things will wind up exactly the way they did before, with us going right back to how it is now, and how it was in the beginning.  I don't know how I would handle that.  I guess there is only so much I can say about him without repeating myself.  As many times as I have thought about it, I still have no clue what to do.  You know, as strongly as I feel for him...I mean, why do I feel it? He lives 2500 miles away and yet I can't help but like him.  Maybe, just maybe he is the one....I mean, nothing has changed how I felt about him.  I think, even when I was with Adrian, I talked more to Chris about things than I did to Adrian.  Maybe even then I had feelings for him, I don't know.  But you know, I do kinda wish that he is the one.  It would just make things so simple.  I can honestly say that being with Chris made me happier than being with or feeling things for anyone else.  I don't know what it is about him; it's just something.  Ok, well, anyways, I could go on for hours about him, but I don't think that would do me any good considering that I am never going to show this to anyone.

Love always,

Mallory Capri Henson