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I wasn't expecting anything to happen between him and me. But I guess that's when something happens; when you least expect it. I didn't realized I had feelings for him for the longest time, but when I did realize it, I didn't want to admit it. It seemed irrational at the time; impossible. But when something grows that strong you just can't ignore it. Not when your every thought is about them, when you can't concetrate on any work because your mind is consumed with thoughts about them. My days and nights were consumed by fantasies of us. And when I found out he returned the feelings-- Well, I can't even begin to describe what that felt like, it was an unimaginable happiness surging inside of me.

I think being with him was good for me in more ways than one. First off, he taught me you don't have to live close to someone to really love them, in fact, you don't even have to have met them. Secondly, he taught me that that two people don't have to be anything alike to be in love. I guess opposites really do attract. But let me start at the beginning before I get carried away.

At the time I was dating a guy named Adrian. I had an internet server called Compuserve (CS) which is a partner of AOL. CS had an instant messenger service, but I hadn't bothered to see if it worked. Adrian had AOL. One day I was messing around on CS, and I tried to send Adrian an IM. To my surprise, it went through. After talking to Adrian for awhile, he told me that someone was about to IM me, and not to freak ut. That was my first encounter with Chris. Neither of us thought then that things would turn out the way they did.

I don't remember much about the first conversation we had, just the usual questions about hobbies, age, and appearance. I recall getting a great impression of him; there wasn't as much sarcasm as there is now, or maybe he was just trying to hide it until I got to know him better. The one thing that really stuck in my head was towards the end of the conversation when Chris said Adrian was a very luck guy to have me because I seemed like a very sweet girl. I know that's the kind of thing most guys say, but it was the first time I'd ever had anything like that said to me. (A long time after that I remember I asked Chris if he remembered saying that, and if he still thought it. He told me that "he never said anything he didn' tmean.")

After that I talked to him practically every day. I trusted him with things I didn't even trust Adrian with. I found myself telling him about everything I went through. And he always told me to follow my heart. That usually didn't help me decide what to do, but it was nice to know he was there. For awhile things were slow between us, but one day he IM'd me, and we picked up right where we left off. I think my constant attention to Chris really bothered Adrian. About a year after meeting Chris, Adrian and I broke up. (for many reasons which I won't describe here.)

I guess even when I was with Adrian I had feelings for Chris. The crush kept going away and coming back. I'm not really sure when it was that I first realized I had a crush on him, or when I first admitted it to anyone, but I do remember one night talking to one of my guy friends at camp, I told him about Chris. I suppose it was obvious to everyone I talked to, it must have been, because even before any relationship developed between the two of us, I talked about him nonstop. It must have driven them insane and worried them. I know more than a couple people who thought I was nuts for falling for him.

At one point, we were stuck at my aunt's house for a couple days, and I wound up thinking abut him so much that I wrote two poems about him. After I wrote them I was online, still at my aunt's house, talking to him, and still, after all that time, trying to figure him out. I was getting so frustrated with him, begging him for almost an hour to get his friend, Nik's, screenname. I finally got it, but only by a mistake on Chris's part. Nik turned out to be a funny, sweet guy, and a great resource on Chris.

Awhile after that we were back at our house, and I found out Chris had a secret; he had a crush on his friend Kristin. I had gotten her s/n, and I had been talking to her because Chris said she and I had a lot in common. Anyway, Kristin found out (from me) that Chris liked her, but she also knew that I liked Chris. I ended up showing her the poetry I had written for him, and she convinced me to show them because she "knew he would like them."

I think that was when I first suspected he liked me, it was just a passing thought, and I pushed it out of my mind. Then I found out Chris had another secret, (he's full of secrets) and Kristin knew what it was. She told me it wasn't her place to tell me, and that if he wanted me to know, he would tell me, but she was surprised I didn't know. I was talking to Chris about it, too, and he refused to tell me that secret. I told him it couldn't be any worse than me falling for some guy I met online. And he replied to that with, "it's sort of like that, only reversed."

That was when I really started to think he liked me, I guess I knew, I just wasn't comprehending it. I tried to get him to confirm it, but he still refused. (And believe me, when he doesn't want to tell something, he won't tell.) But I guess he must have wanted me to know, because he did tell me. And here's how it happened:

It was later that same day and we were talking again. Somehow we got onto the topic of marriage, and he said he didn't think he'd ever get married. I thought about telling him I'd marry him, jokingly, of course. Instead, I told him I was about to say something, but decided against it. (That's something we always say to each other.) He just had to know what I was going to say, and so, of course, I had to refuse. (Payback!) He was annoyed that I wouldn't tell him, I guess, so eventually he asked me what he could do that would make me tell him. I said if he gave me the answer to the question he had been avoiding earlier (if he liked me) then I would tell him what I had been planning to say. So he told me (the answer was yes) and I told him what I was about to say. And that's how I really found out.

After that things were just a little different between us. He wasn't so sarcastic and cynical. He was still a mystery, but one that was starting to un-ravel. I had flirted with him so much before, but to no avail. Now he was starting to respond, even flirt back. I was talking to Nik one day, and he said it was amazing how I had gotten Chris to open up more than any of them (them being Doug, Nik, and Kristin) and raise his self esteem. That really did something for me; it was wonderful to know that I actually helped someone I'd never met in real life.

I think I was happier in those months than I had ever been before, maybe ever will be. Oh, isn't it a wonderful feeling to love and be loved in return? Being with him felt right, and I was content just to sit and talk to him for hours. I mean, sure, there were times when I though, "I'm miserable, this stinks that I can't be with him" etc, etc. But they usually passed rather quickly. Most of the time I was on Cloud Nine, and nothing could bring me down.

I don't know how long we were together, it seemed to pass so quickly, like they say, time flies when you're happy. Maybe 6 or 7 months, maybe less. Then I started to notice a difference in him. The sarcasm and harshness was starting to creep back into the conversations. I knew that he didn't return what I felt anymore, but I didn't want to admit it. I tried to ignore it as best I could, but it didn't work. Finally, I just had to ask him how serious he thought our relationship was. His reply? "I think it's somewhere between us just joking, and really feeling that way. If it got any more serious then it would start to go downhill." I thought, "No, most of the time it's you joking, and me actually feeling that way." Of course, I didn't say that to him.

I started crying right after that, sitting there at the computer. I told him I would be right back, and wound up crying for 15 minutes in the bathroom. That was the first sting of pain. When I got back, I saw that he had said he had to go, and then left. That was when, I guess, I really admitted to myself that he didn't feel anything for me. I went to bed, deciding sleep might make me feel better.

The next day I was talking to him yet again, trying not to think about what had happened the night before. We were just joking around, and for some reason I said, "Hey, just because you don't like me anymore doesn't mean I can't dream." He replied with, "True true...wait, how did you know?!" So I told him how it was obvious, and we talked about it, and he said, "I don't mean to be harsh, but you knew it wasn't going to last, didn't you?" After I said I did, he told me that I probably didn't want to hear it at the moment, but we could still be friends. That actually didn't hurt me because I knew how good of a friend he was, and I still wanted him in my life.

I was strong for a couple days after that. Things went back to how they used to be between him and me. During the course of those couple days, I didn't stop to wonder why I wasn't hurting. I just wasn't. I guess I just needed time to adjust. Then one day it just sunk in that I had lost him. It hit me; just like that. Chris called it a delayed reaction, which I guess it was. I was pretty miserable for awhile. But as upset as I was, I couldn't blame it on him. People change, feelings change, and you can't help who you love. (or don't love, as the case may be.) It wasn't his fault or my fault; it's just something that happened.

After awhile, I was pretty well adjusted, or so I thought. I figured I had moved on. He and I still talked, but just as friends. It was around Thanksgiving...no, it was Thanksgiving. I was sitting next to my cousin, Kristin, eating dinner. We were talking about Chris because she knew what I went through with him. She asked who I had a crush on, and I forget who I told her, but what she said to me hit home; "You can't just stop crushing on someone because they don't like you." Anyway, that made me think of Chris so I guess I wasn't as over him as I thought I was.

Since then the feelings have been going and coming; I can't control them. Sometimes they're so strong that it hurts. Other times they're so faint that I think they're going to dissappear. Most of the time I just can't make any sense out of them. I went through so much with him and I learned a lot. For the longest time he was an anchor in my life, and in a way he still is. I can't imagine my life without him. He's always there....and always a mystery...a mystery that I hope one day to completely solve. I don't know if he even really knows how much of an impact he has made on me, but maybe one day he will read this and know.

I have another guy now; who knows that I went through with Chris. And he knows I still have feeling for Chris. He's very understanding about it, which is wonderful. Maybe I still love him in a way; even after everything. I don't quite know how to explain it. I haven't totally worked it all out...actually, it's not nearly worked out, but I am taking it one day at a time.

There's so much more to say about how I feel, but I don't know how to say it, so I'll just leave with this thought:

(1 Corinthians 13:4) Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; 5 it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; 10 but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. 13 So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.



~Inspired by and dedicated to Christian Ray Oliveros, with much love~