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Somewhere in Italy The List Work in progress
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Book: Somewhere in Italy The landscape of Sicily rocks on uneven wheels. She reaches down into her bag, pulls the folded sheet of ink stained stationary out, the kind of note paper you find tucked in drawers of real wooden hotel furniture. Was it at the salt baths in Budapest? Romainia? The hotel's name is gone from the top, doodled over and smeared. She unfolds, one by one, the crimped pulp fiber, unfurling to a flag the sheet of her desires.
Cross it off, he told her, When you finish a task. Cross it off, and he jammed her head, slat splat onto the notepad of stationary.
Her memories fan up at her in a rush and a gasp, and she crosses his name off her list. Done.
Another version
She reached down into her bag and pulled the folded sheet of ink stained stationary, the kind you find, tucked in drawers of real wooden hotel furniture. Was it at the salt baths in Budapest or was that Romania the hotel name is gone doodled over and smeared? She unfolds one by one the crimped fibers unfurling to a flag of her desire. Cross it off he tells her when you finish a task, cross it off and jams her head splat flat into the hotelier notepad. Her memories fan up at her in a rush and a gasp and she crosses his name off her list. Done.
And poetic version
She reached down into her bag
Pulls the folded sheet
Of ink stained stationary
Out into the light
It’s the kind of stationary you find
Laid ceremoniously in
Drawers of real wooden hotel
Furniture
Was it in the salt baths of
Budapest or Romania
The hotel name is gone
Doodled over and smeared
She unfolds one by one
The crimped fibers
Unfurling to a flag
Her desires
Cross it off
He tells her
When you finish a task
Cross it off
And jams her head
Splat flat into the
Hoteliers note pad
Sharp corners intersecting
Her cheek bone
The memory fans up at her
In a rush
And a gasp
And she crosses his name
Off
Her list
Done.
You have a gift for compact
You have a gift for compact and breathtaking narration: here is an evocative build-up to a gut-punching scene that less skilled writers would have bogged down with rambling description, with much telling and less showing. But you crept shrewdly with lithe style and intriguing details, then pounced, head on, right into it.
Last two lines: exceptional wordcrafting. Your pen strikes gold!
Thank you
Thank you always grasp the concept quickly and critique beautifully. I cleaned up some tense problems.
I certainly agree with your
I certainly agree with your keen observations in appreciation of this work.
Starward
Thanks
It's kinda weird but thanks with agreeing lol? and reading.
No problem.
No problem.
Starward