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Christmas never was important
1996. I think, maybe 1997,
I dunno, and I don't remember.
What I do know and I do remember:
We were at my grandparents house,
It was cold, there was snow,
Not much but to this child of
Texas it felt like a winter wonderland.
And that night I had gotten my
Very own Buzz Lightyear.
Even then I was slightly aware,
That this was "it" I had made it
To the peak. Christmas would
Never be better, could never be better.
The simplicities of childhood,
The warmth and love of my family, and
Just a hint of wonder and awe in the air.
What I came to experience over the next
Decades wasn't bad, but it wasn't grand,
Wasn't great, and sometimes wasn't even good.
Christmas lost it's magic over me. Maybe
I'm just a grinch, a cranky bitter person who
Has to be beaten or tricked into enjoying
Themselves this time of year. This day really has
Lost almost all it's magic or charm, it's ordinary
In it's American consumerism, it songs mostly
Galling, combined with working retail more years
Than any one person ever should. I dare say it,
I despise Christmas and it's traditions.
Christmas never was important to me,
But then this year happened and a lot of the
Things I thought frivolous and annoying
Are what I find myself longing for.
Haven't seen my family for what feels like
An eternity, haven't escaped this prison
Of apartment expect to go to work just as long.
Struggling to find any reprieve or cathartic
Release, and I'm tired of failing and flailing
Around as anxieties continue to build.
My brain is mush, beyond numb as I continue
To steel myself for another year of pandemic.
Next Christmas might be important to me.
WORD VOMIT
I heard that as I contemplate what comes after purpose and self actualization? surely not close down and wait till death happens. I write to fill voids imagining I don't have what other people have - gift for gab, perseverence, nerves of steel. I 'll figure out what's next on my trek through the maze coded poet/sci-fi writer's life. More publishing, yes. Execution of inculcated desire to uplift and ecucate. Discipline as a tool for tackling all that enters one's infinite personal universe.
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Everyone who is around long enough knows I-dentity is not a challenge for me. Narrowing down what's next with aged and physical pest-delimiting factors hailing owns a clue. Niched has never been my way for long as defiance of odds, barriers sneered at, and daring to go where no Black female has gone before - to borrow and modify a source where a lot of the sass came from. Drive may do a rerun or what I once coded going on an adventure. I'm equiped if my brain and heart don't miocardio infarct. I like the idea of dying in the proverbial saddle.
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I just have to go out armed with the knowledge that most people are insecure, scared, and programmed to follow. And interesting world is about to unfold with a mega tonne of searching talent about to be unloosed on the international diverse world and I think I might go talk to 'em. Could be fun.
.
And that's a plan.
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~{:D)-
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