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A Poem Of Mental Abuse
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A Trio Of Abuse Poems Be more like your sister.
Be more like your brother.
Be more like your father.
Be more like me, your mother.
Do better in school.
Do better in sports.
Be better with people.
Be better with yourself.
You'll amount to nothing.
You're totally worthless.
You're fat, you're lazy,
and you're ugly too.
Go to this collage.
Get this job.
Look what you did
with your life!
Didn't we teach you better?
...now as they look
back,
they wonder,
were they went wrong.
Now see the graveyard.
Now see the gravestone.
Now see the pain,
now see the loss.
Now see the hopelessness that some people feel.
OK - I'm going to assume you want real stuff here, not just "Wow, that's pretty!". I get this from your bio, ie that you don't really hang stuff here just to get some nice things said. If I've got this all wrong - sorry. And bye the bye - one of the best bios I've read.
So, the poem starts well, builds up well, then just falls into a cliche. The end has been said pretty much like this ... well, an awful lot. The first 3/4 of the poem is good - I like the simplicity of language and the rhythm you build up. I'd be inclined to leave out the second last stanza, and go:
Look what you did
with your life!
Didn't we teach you better?
...and as they look
back,
they wonder:
where did we go wrong.
It's just a suggestion, and there are other ways you could come at it. Hope this helps - I think you have the guts of a good poem here - just needs some hard nosed tweaking.
cheers
I just wanted to tell you that i REALLY like your poem about mental abuse. It explains a LOT of things in my life, and i am glad that someone could write about these feelings to help me express mine! Thank you and please, keep it up!