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Since young till now, I still dislike crowds.
When i see you all smile like that.
Im holding back my breathe in.
Wondering if i have the day when i can smile like that.
I was born quiet.
Hard to open up.
To be the eldest among all siblings,
I have no one to look up to.
I have no one to follow.
No one to learn from.
That is when i start to only observe.
I rarely speak up.
I often question my smile.
Are they real?
I do not know.
Because im quiet,
I dont get people approaching me.
My friends do not know me that well.
Friendship end fast and dont last long.
I was the one to be left out among cliques.
They often talks about things that im not aware about.
I have problem being the center of attraction.
I have problem being loud and noisy.
I have problem being like you all.
Because i was molded this way by myself since young.
It was sad to see people enjoying themselves.
And all i can do is just to see from behind.
I hardly can last long in a talk.
What can i do?
Im born and nurture this way.
That is why i locked myself away from people.
I am afraid of falling.
I choose to stay in my own world,
Where i know i will never get hurt.
The chance where i took a step out of my world,
I fell badly.
It hurts so much.
Why? And no one know i cried.
Picking myself up with my skinned knees.
I choose to withdraw from the world.
Ever again....
Because all this things never failed to repeatedly happen to me....
Wow, you really touched me with this poem...........
It was so heartfelt, my best advice is to keep writing your poetry and explore all these inner questions and wounds you have accumulated over the years from this self prescribed ailment. Try chatting. You may through that medium be able to anonymously open up to someone and feel more like yourself as you know the old saying its easier to open up to a stranger than someone whom you know quite well. Writing I believe must help so do keep doing that as well. It is an outlet for all the pain you bottle up inside. Do use writing that way freely. Perhaps you have just not met another like yourself or not given others a fair chance. Maybe even there is some deep seated fear in you or you are just afraid of the unknown. I think once you met the right person and gave someone a chance and just trusted a little you would open up and be fine. Would take a special person to encourage you and get you to open up. Everyone needs a good friend no matter what age, race, political background or nationality. You sound like a lovely young woman who has a lot to offer if you can just find the right channel for you . My grandma always use to say to have a friend you must first be a friend. Be there for others even if you can't yet open up yourself and maybe while you are being there for another you may be able to make inroads in your own way to open up then to that person. Is a start. I wish you all the best and frankly I think if you give yourself a chance and try to step a bit out of your comfort zone that you will do fine and make a good friend. We all have it in us to make a friend. No man ( or woman) is an island............. Sincerely, Melissa Lundeen.
Thank you so much
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for reading.
Yes, i have been using poetry to express my feelings, emotion and almost everything around me. Yes i did try chatting with my friends. But there isn't any suitable chance of me talking to them about my feeling and all. And mainly, i was quite a distant with my friends, so i find it even harder for me to get together with them. Indeed, there are alot of mixed feelings inside of me. And i have been constantly bottling them up. I have been waiting to meet with someone who i can get along fully well with. someone who is very like me. I've not meet a friend who will choose to stay with me. maybe its because i couldn't voice myself well, i was always was alone. Because the peoples that i hang out with seems to have someone else that they prefer to be with other than me. And i will always be the one that they will tend to forget about. i've step out of my comfort zone several times. And was treated in a way that i least expected. That is when i thought that poetry will be my best friend. :D all thanks to poetry. I am able to look at things in a better way :D
Love, Sharalyn.