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Thu 4/11



My wavering attention span has forsaken me yet again.



Ok, the second reportable event(s)…



If you drive around in Nigeria late at night (especially in Lagos), it is very likely that you will be stopped at a police checkpoint. Your driver is required to turn on his interior light before the vehicle comes to a full stop, thus enabling the cops to see what type of corruption mode to get ready for – local or foreigner. When the car stops the cop will walk over to your (the passenger) window and gesture for you to wind down the window. Once the window is down the cop will begin his routine. If the day of the week happens to be Friday, Saturday or Sunday, then the first thing the cop will say is “happy weekend”. I think there should be an exclamation mark after that greeting, though I’m inclined to think that the most relevant notation would be a question mark. It is as if they’re asking you if you’ve had a good weekend, or if it is going to be good, cause if the answer is yes, then they sure want a slice of this good fortune.



On all other days, or immediately following the previously mentioned greeting, they will ask, “what have you got for me?”

This is supposed to be your cue to reach into your wallet and grab a few hundred Naira, to bribe them into letting you go without a hassle.

I’ve never been much of a conformist, so these fuckers have never got a single Naira from me. In the beginning I used to just put on a dumb face and nod and smile, “yes, happy weekend!” pretending to have no idea of what they were after. After a while I got sick of these silly charades, and one drunken night, on my way home from ‘Y***’s’, I totally humiliated one of these ‘cops’. Having beaten almost every challenger on the pool table that night I was feeling rather cocky and invincible.

The reply this lucky cop got on that particular night was “what have I got for you? hmmm… let’s see… oh, here we go!” and pulling my right fist out from my pocket, sticking it out of the window and extending the middle finger, “I have a big fat finger for you!”

Needless to say, this ‘law’ enforcement officer wasn’t too impressed, but when he pressed his request further, I lost a screw and totally went off at him.

“What the fuck are you doing, stopping every fucking foreigner and demanding bribe money?” I yelled.

“What’s with all these billboards I see around Lagos, promoting ‘today’s police – professional and committed’?” still yelling and noticing a sly smirk on the cops face, I continued:

Where the fuck does it say in your job description: At every opportunity you get, you must stop every tourist and demand bribe money? Huh?”

At this stage my driver was in tears and the cop realized I was a lost cause and began backing off. But this didn’t stop me – I was on a roll! I kept yelling:

“Well buddy, I aint no tourist – I’m here for the long haul! And there aint no way in hell I’m ever gonna give my hard earned cash to your corrupt ass!”

By now the cop had totally given up and was walking towards the next car in line, but this didn’t stop me. I wound down my window further, so I could fit my entire top torso out the window. Holding on to the roof of the car I kept screaming at him:

“It’s no fucking wonder this city was voted the most corrupt place on earth by the ‘Lonely Planet’ travel guides, while cops like you continue to patrol the streets! This is a rich country and has got so much going for it. It’s just that all the fucking corrupt politicians and police are ruining it for everybody!”

My hysterical driver had already begun pulling away, and the cop was trying his best not to hear me, but for as long as I could see him I kept yelling. I can’t remember the rest, but hey, you get the idea, right? ;o)



So this is how you handle the cops here. Be arrogant and go all-out in you verbal assault. Unfortunately, for me to pull off this kind of arrogant behaviour with conviction, I need to be thoroughly tanked, as well as in an unusually good mood. The kind of arrogant confidence that is otherwise only obtainable through coke.



The next incidence of attempted police corruption, where I had successfully reached this state of mind, was a couple of weeks later – when I offered something completely different.



“What have you got for me?” asked the corrupt cop.



“Well! For YOU I have a big wet sloppy kiss!”

I puckered up and stuck my head out of the window.

With disgust he quickly waved me on “go kiss your girlfriend!”



Nigerian police: they aint so bad, you just gotta know how to handle ‘em. ;o)