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In Between.

Blackness, loss of all conscious thought, where am I? What is this state of nothingness that I am put through each day of my life. Is it just me that has to go through this morning awareness of a terrible weakness?

Is it something that I have done or not done that causes me to go through this unwanted routine morning after morning? I have tried various methods to put a stop to this morning ugliness, this void of all that is a conscious being. The twenty or more alarm clocks the different radios that automatically were supposed to wake me without my going through this now daily or should I say lifetime routine.

I remember dropping off into a sleep what happens when I am asleep I have no idea. Sometimes vague wisps of unfinished dreams float through my consciousness. Leaving me no better off than I would have been without those intangible cloud like objects that one calls dreams. Mine I would better describe as nightmares, Black floatings of menacing attacks on a brain that is and has gone through many a private hell.

Silence broken by the noise of the five o’clock train on its way to some large town far away. Too far away for me to recall even the name of the aforesaid town. Then lightness opens my weary eyes. Daylight makes itself known; the waiting period of blackness the total unawareness of a deluded brain trying to cope with circumstances way beyond my control. Am I happy to see the first light of day? This too is something that I cannot give a clear answer to. I could not even say that I am unhappy it is the thin line separating the awful blackness of unconsciousness and the period of total awareness that comes with the light of day.

I know that I have time to fill in, time that sometimes drags along like a snail on the way to win an impossible race. Other times the period flies like a pterodactyl fighting to stay alive as the destroying comet hurtles down on to this Earth of ours.

The unawareness to the full cognisance of what is happening is a short period measured in time. It is perhaps a second or two. Then it hits me with a blow like a steam hammer in an engineering works. Again I ask myself why me? The bitter taste of the night is always present at my fully awakening.

I can hear you say he should be in the care of a Doctor or at least a psychiatrist. I have seen these learned people. A certain sympathy is always on their lips but their eyes tell me another story, a story of disbelief, I understand this disbelief it is something that I myself go though day after day.

Having tempted you Dear Reader to read this utter drivel that has flown so easily from my pen, I apologise for wasting your most valuable time I will not promise not to write such rubbish in the future but I am after all only a human with all of the human weaknesses. Promises are after all like quick gusts of wind that pass over so quickly only to be forgotten in perhaps seconds. But then what is a second compared with Eternity?