PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

I hate,

How with my fluid lines,

That stream from my heart onto paper...

You fall in love with me.



You love my careful, sweet memories

I have of you.



You love my sentiments,

Of places we've been.



You love the depth of my hunger,

The exactness with which I express my anger,

The longing of my desire,

To write more and more....



About me...about you...about us...



ABOUT EVERYTHING.



But when by body stills,

And my brain consumes...

In a vast expanse of nothing but bogus emptiness...

To the compressed feeling

Of lying in a bed of coiled snakes...

My Manic-Depression has resumed the body for another visit.



YOU...

Don't know how,

Don't want to,

Can't find a way,

To....LOVE ME...anymore.



AT THAT MOMMENT...

I'm not able to LOVE YOU,

The reader,

My newest love,

My once partner,

NOT LIKE I WANT TO...



And what you don't see is that I AM SCARED...

I can't breathe...

My body and brain turning on me...



How can I love anything,

When I'm dead in my tracks...

How can I look at you with longing, desire....

When my mind's eye, and my body's energy are grating,

Like a flour mill stone...

Pulverizing grain...

Crushing my thoughts and feelings in the angst of motion.



"Why don't you want to make-love?"

And you turn on some damned soap-opera porn...

"I'm not really turned on, I just like to watch...

It's like art, the body..."

But it's you my once beloved,

Whose grinding on my leg before too long...

Or whose staddling your fingers,

Laying in the bed at my side.



How can I not feel like a failure:

I take the meds to deter the depression,

Then the meds take away my drive.

Then the lack of drive:

Brings us to an emotional stand-still...

Because we only say "I love you" in bed...

At least, that is where it seemed most believed.

And as much as I love you,

These words still linger through my mind...



When I took "Mr. Slinky",

And rammed it into you wetness.

"You want it like that!

You want it so long, hard, fast,

Over and over..."

And I work ed until I'm was exhausted...

Then I hoped against all hope...

That you'd leave me alone...sexually.



Then only moments later...you were still wanting...

And I hated you...



Yet you just didn't see how I need you to hold me.

So that I can stop the snakes from coiling around my mind,

Plunging my body into this eternal hell.

That you will never know.



You love my heart,

My mind,

My soul,

But what you saw as co-dependant,

Was my world...

Where I had no more voices and they were gone.

All I had was you...

All I needed was to hear...

"Honey, you are not crazy.

I love you,

I'm here for you,

And I'm staying...even though I don't understand it,

Or how I can even help you.

And I too feel helpless."



Words you said in the beginning,

Expendible pieces like pawns---

Said just to make me feel safe...to win my heart.

You've now abandoned...just like me.



You were a big part in bringing the collective together,

Inside me,

For me to try and trust the voices,

For me to become one.



Now I can't divide at all,

So you will know Abby will never trust you again,

So Luke can come out...and tell you how hurt we all are.

So you will know Alex isn't stupid...

    Especially after...

    The "been there done that" comment you made,

    On "Big Dick Willie's" computer...

So you will know, Rynne and J.T....

    Love to joke about you...at your expense...

    It' the only way we can get over the abandonment...

    You ran, not walked out our door...



We won't play your games...

We won't stalk you...

     Why go where we aren't wanted, needed, loved?

We won't accomodate you as a friend either...

    



AFTER WE MADE LOVE TO YOU THAT SUNDAY NIGHT.



You promised us,

    We'd try to work things out...

    Rome wasn't built in a day...

    You said it wasn't sex you needed...

    But it was you that told MY THERAPIST...

    

TO BE PREPARED...FOR MY REACTION!!!



AS YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF...

TO MAKE...US...AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP...

WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME!!!!





To the next person...

Learn about me,

What stems out of the polarity of my extremes...

What makes me wonderful,

Also can make me seem insane.



Don't just eat up the cake,

And bitch if my illness like frosting gives you hives...

DON'T BLAME ME.



I DID'T CHOOSE THIS...

AND DON"T MAKE ME ANOTHER VICTIM...OF YOUR CHOSEN--



IGNORANCE.



To my next love...

I will love you,

For your wit,

Your hopeful saucy attitude,

The way you stare at life down the barrel of a gun...

And take it out of the hands of the predator.

I want to feel protected by you...

Loved by you...

Not at your convience,

At your pace or in your time...

When you can "DEAL" with me,

After all my hell is gone.



My life is a barrel full of apples,

And just because you may eat something good...of me...

At the top...

The whole barrel...of me isn't this way.



The sap stains of my illness,

Cast a foul odor at times...

Don't just smell it, see it, and accept it for the times



WHEN WE ARE GOOD...



Then decide later...when we are in trouble...



THAT SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE.



YOU NOW,

LET ME REPEAT NOW,

KNOW THIS...



...the reader, my once beloved, and my new love to come...



I need a soft gentle heart,

To hold me and just let me cry,

For hours if need be.



I need a woman,

To have petience...

To touch me sexually for hours...

Until this anti-depressent snake like skin is shed...

And I return to the full capability of sensuality...



So that I can function sexually again...



And if when we are in bed,

And you see my face grimmace...

It's me whose mad at me...

I just don't seem to "get it right"...

It wasn't your fault, it won't be your fault...

Because I shut down...giving up trying...

Because I may already know you don't have the committment...

To keep loving me...ENOUGH...

TO keep TRYING.





LET ME FEEL, WHAT I KNOW I GIVE YOU...

LET ME RETURN THE GIFT...



OF BEING EXHAUSTED IN YOUR ARMS...



...LET ME FEEL USEFUL, NOT USED UP....



Be embraced by my lyrical lines,

Dance in my images of delight,

And cover yourself in the canvas of my artistic being...



BUT LOVE ME BEAUTIFUL...LOVE ME UGLY.