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Let me rant,

Let me rave...

It's my fucking time.

You planned and calculated for over six months...

Just how you were going to fuck me from the front side,



While taking aim,

Ramming a glass beaker up my ass ...

Telling me that you "loved" me....

Then beat me in the back with your baseball bat---



Of words,

Seduction,

Vows and promises....



You Shattered the glass in my rectum,

Then smiled while I bled.



Let me talk,

Let me finally get my two cents in...



Like about your son who doesn't exist.

Like the sonogram of "our" child you

    

   FRAUDULENTLY STOLE

      CUT & PASTED

    FROM....WEB MD

     ON THE INTERNET

      



Like the death and resurection of your son's father---

WHO NEVER WENT TO IRAQ!



You lied to me about,

Wichita State..your Doctorate in Philosophy!

Washburn...a computer science degree!

And the business andministration degree,

   ...from where-ever the fuck college you said it was from.



Wichita State doesn't even have you in their Alumni!

Washburn?  They don't even have your social security number!

You are a predator and a hunter,

Of the worse kind----

Stealing from us that literally have "no mind".

I had nothing, nothing, yet you moved in and sucked me out...

Like marrow from the bone.



Baby's Daddy drama,

Son fighting with ex drama,

Laura drama,

Huttman drama,

Therapist moving drama,

Baby dying drama,

Girl 6 drama,

Telling me you were a bounty hunter,

    ....and the man "who barely got away", drama,

Can't go to that church drama,

Telling me how I can't speak to my family..."like that" drama,

How I can't believe my therapist,

When she doesn't think you are all that,

Forcing me to chose,

By making "ultimatums" drama.



And for six out of the nine months,

You exacted your evil at Christmas,

Then got an order:

"To prevent me from stalking you!", DRAMA!



You said, I couldn't "GET IT!"

You said, It was okay,

    ....if I had to take drugs that sexually shut me down.

That sex was "only one bity part of our love relationship".

But you let a man eat you out,

And a woman enjoy your breasts.

I know it was in your truck,

I remember what you said...



"I should really go and clean the truck out."

"No honey. It'll wait, you worked hard." I said.



"I SAID!"  I BELIEVED YOU!



That next morning...

I inhailed that smell...

All the while I drove to the hospital...I knew!

But when I confronted you, you got angry!



More drama!  More Drama!  More Drama!



Then, when I couldn't take it anymore--

When I was in my depressive episode so bad--

You did what you said you would never do...



You lowered the boom...you left.



"You can say Helen treated you like this,

And Evelyn did that,

But I WILL NEVER let you say that the end of our relationhip..

WAS MY FAULT!

I WILL NOT LET YOU BE THE VICTIM, NOT ANYMORE."





You accused ME of being a drama queen!

There WAS NOT one doctor of yours I have seen...

To verify the mis-carraige,

The LUPUS,

let alone one pimple on your ass!



I'm the drama queen...

If I knew all this and what you had been planning to do.



Six months ago...

You couldn't have kept from getting,"BITCH SLAPPED."



You know,

I will not let people tell me,

What I am and am not!

Playing games with me because of my "queerness"...

Is bullshit!



I know you tried to get to me,

You tried to push this button.

So you called me a "stalker",

And I almost bit...

If you think...my giving you my heart stalks you,

If you think...

     my buying baby furniture when a baby doesn't exist,

    

     STALKS YOU!



If you think my calling your mom,

    To ask when you are going to get your shit out,

        

     IS STALKING YOU!



   YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SHIT YET!









YES!

For a while, I had to know,

Was there anything really true about you?

I packed some of your belongings....

I know your birth place,

You left a copy of your birth certificate,

Even your social security number!



If I wanted to,



I SAID, IF I REALLY WANTED TO...

I COULD REALLY DO SOME SHIT!



BUT I LOVED YOU!

LET ME SAY IT AGAIN....

LET IT SINK IN....

I-LOVE-YOU, HAVE LOVED YOU, WILL PROBABLY STILL LOVE YOU.

I can't stop the rage, the hurt, the torment inside.



What is REAL about you,

That I can prove, or know...

It's a joke!



The love that I thought I saw in you...

SIMPLY, is no more than, FUCKING SMOKE!



And you must be geting the last laugh,

No matter how angry and hurt I am at you,



My heart is just that.



BROKE.





TELL ME THIS!

TELL ME THIS!



The next time I meet someone,

And things get a little hot,

Tell me how will I

EVER...

AND LET ME EMPHASIZE "EVER", trust?



"I'm sorry but for reasons you just don't understand...

I need your name, rank, serial number, date of birth, social security number, car: make, model, year and tag, your mother's maiden name, your next of kin, any benificiearies, your last three employers, their address and phone numbers, three references and friends don't count, and the names and address's of all of your sexual partners, and last five realtionships; their names and numbers and how long you were with them.



Oh, I also need any Physician's and/or Therapist's names, addresses, phone numbers, signed release forms from all, and the names and ages of all of your children including photo's and birth certificates.





DO YOU REALIZE HOW FUCKING PHONY YOU ARE?







Can you tell me where to go from here?

"Oh, wait, I bet that isn't a real place either, huh?"





I'm not angry at you anymore...

I'm seething.



You put a restriction on me from buying a hand gun!

Bitch whose going to protect me from you!

Or is that the way you want it?



Well baby, let me tell you this...

Your ex-husband wants to be with me at court,

And the ex-girlfriend.

So I'm telling you, you had better be there...

'Cuz if not...this is how it will end.



If you ever darken mine, or anyone I love's porch again...

You had better step off lightly...

You won't know just whose inside...



I might be holding a gun,

    ...and sipping on some gin.



Because if you don't,

You won't have to worry,

I'll make sure, you, "Get it"!



(See also, "GOT IT":  This woman accused me, "If you knew you were so screwed up, why did you get inot a realationship?" Hind sight is always 20-20...I didn't know I had SO MUCH TO WORK ON!--IF EVERYONE IS THIS DILUSIONAL AS THEY FEED OFF OF OTHERS, WE'D ALL BE CRACKED.)



(I would also comment, I refuse to do the identity theft thing, I refuse to own any kind of gun because I was sexually  penetrated with the end of a firearm.  And my abusers said if I ever told, they'd kill my parents.  What a sick world, and I started meeting these kinds of bastards before I was in school.  I just never knew this beautiful, "God fearing woman...", could touch me so profoundly. Then not only leave me in a mental hospital on Christmas,(when I was suicidal---not homicidal,) and probably cheat on me again.  Some of this poem is imbellished for points sake, some for rhyme, some just because I can't think of any other metaphors.  It's believed by most my friends and therapist that my ex, is dilusional, in correlation to the DSM IV, the diagnostic manual for psychiatrists/psychologists.  I'm sorry if my anger offends...this is a place I just come to heal.)