It's not okay

Folder:

Family

I don’t know what you remember

What you block out

What you forget

Or what you can’t admit that happened

But it’s not okay

I was hungry and wasn’t fed

I needed a mother and you weren’t there

Rage was taken out on children

It’s not okay

You have your reason I am sure

And even I can rationalize it

In my head I know that abuse begets abuse

I know to an extent how that human mind works develops

But it’s still not okay

We moved so often I didn’t have friends

I needed roots

I needed a place to call home

I needed a mom that was there

I know the reasons you have for not being there

It’s not okay

I have a right to feel loss and pain too

To feel angry that I had a mom and she wasn’t with me

You were abusive

You were absent even when you were there

It’s not okay

Even now you try and pretend

What a great mother you were

How much you gave

Blah blah blah

I needed a protector

I needed a comforter

I needed a mother

You weren’t there

When you were there

You were like a time bomb

One minute happy

The next you were beating Tracy

It’s not okay

Now you like to pretend that we have this wonderful mother daughter

Bond and relationship

What I need you can’t or won’t give

I need you to be honest in all things

I need you to be responsible

I need you to be my mother

Not my best friend

The more I get to know you

The more I don’t like you in a lot of ways

What happened and what is happening is not okay

And now I don’t know if it would be better for me to break away

Or if the breaking away would hurt too much

Not because of the loss of you but

Because of the loss of the idea of you

The idea of a good mother

I hate it when I am having a real problem

You don’t really listen

You cut in to dump your issues on me

You are the mom I am the daughter

You are supposed to be the support not me

I hate it that is everyday conversation

Your always having some crisis more important than mine

I hate it when you tell me too many details about your sex life

It makes me uncomfortable

Healthy relationships have boundaries

You don’t have any

You tell total strangers

Or my friends about your life

And all its problems

That is not normal!

It freaks people out

That’s not what people talk about when they first meet

I hate it when you ask to use my pain pills

I hate it that I always doubt it when your in pain

This is not okay

Don’t you get it

You’re pushing Tracy and I away again

As we get healthier

We can more clearly see

And we are coming to the realization that we don’t have real parents

We feel like orphans

It’s not okay