i went to the dream wearing spats,
butterfly or man,
i knew not which
on the beach,
for a change
don't fear harpoons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i set my will against the sea
to hold my little pile of sand
toil and render with fine hand
what nights and days could understand?
What 5 blind men could comprehend?
each their own, and aardvark too
Being-for-Itself,
I owned that name
and if you were there you'd claim the same
alas! the tide washed away my fame
leaving me in an unauthentic frame
now i haunt
and am haunted by my castles
strewn haphazardly along the shore
I raise my fist against the rain
gravity
this rain tastes of salt!?
rail against the stinging wind
I will not let go my piece of dream!
A cry I hear out in the sea
Bosun! Bosun!
I know that voice, 'tis Prospero
I did not know that day was nigh.
My island
My streams
I've lost my spats.
I disagree with most of your own assessment, which is unduly harsh toward the poem; although I do agree with your observation that the poem is an overture, and therefore should present several themes and variations. You have accomplished that. The aardvark should be right where it is. I cannot imagine how this poem could use any tightening up---an overture is supposed to be a somewhat sprawling issue. You have done very well in this poem, and your authorial comment at the bottom does not reflect how well this poem works.
Starward