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IT WAS A MOMENT I FELT THE INTENTION
It was a moment I felt the intention. Anger followed by more anger.
I felt it. Not knowing what it was about I felt it. Like a sledgehammer I felt it.
Being lectured to about not trusting but then being slapped side saddled into doesn’t know what by intention.
No touching no talking just slam. Bam. Anger filled the space in a moment of rage.
Why rage? I don’t know. I know everything that got mixed up today. I know I spent part of my day being suicidal. I spent my last night trying to kill myself and now
Nothing but rage is coming my way. My non-understanding of whatever this is.
No matter what my feelings question I don’t have an answer and it startles my space into
A world of non-meditation of everything and anything.
I just want it to end. Back to it ending, me ending knowing if tonight I took the rest of them and slept then I would be back to zero. Starting over without ending right, but ending.
The logical mind says that if I end it all tonight then I have nothing else to worry about. No more errors with my bank. No more stuff that I can hardly deal with.
No more tears. No more pain. No more anything just freedom.
A silent freedom away from it all. Nothing more to say just leaving with one question left…
Why the anger? Why the rage? Why did I feel that intent when I had no reason for it?
At this point like it matters. Between a deposit for three thousand lost and a bank transfer done and then it all just a blur. Thinking maybe I am right to go, but yet my mother says I must work this out. My tears rolling down my cheek again and again.
Dying, me dying, new poems I need to write that will never be written because I cannot say to the person I need to say. I can’t be doing that job anymore it is killing me from the inside out, and now I want to make it permanent.
Boundaries I need to make but can’t make.
Words that need to be said but don’t come out.
Yet I keep feeling the intention.
Trying not to just say, what is it?
Trying to just be the person I am and let her come to me without my asking.
Suddenly understanding her hurt and pain in my not talking to her.
Heart broken, but hoping it’s not right.
Shivers go down my spine as one of the pets looks me in the eyes and tells me
Not to go through with my plan of action.
My plan of action after the moment I felt the intention just adds to my
Willingness to toss it all aside and just say fuck it.
I suck. My life is no longer my own. It’s not worth my time anymore.
It was a moment I felt the intention and it just added to my pain.
Miss,
Your poem got featured on the home site. I am sorry you are feeling as if your life is not worth much. I hope you feel better soon. Thank-you for sharing so much of yourself.
Clay.