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Cave in, or The Last Breath
Fever and thirst
Emotions rouse the soul
And torment the body
They demand satisfaction
If only I could drink!
A draught is reached for
Not heeding if it's life's water
Or poison.
The substance enters.
A cooling effect is felt
No immediate ill effects.
Slowly it glides and is felt.
Vitals cry out "Esau and Judas!
How could this happen?!
Because emotion presumes to rule
We must die horribly!"
Logic reasons it was wasted
And aborted.
It is smooth enough
the original thought/ideation is the best. Not choppy at all, necessary syntax lives here, the death of (whatever) by poison is accurately rendered and felt hard without let up, just as it should. The tension is palpable. Except for the lonely a no editing is needed me thinks. Horror needs a good pen, more than gothic, more than imagined pain, this is the thing itself, the universal scream. Abort is an excellent choice of vocabulary at the end. Nice write, but not for the scheamish (can't spell squeemish) - Lady A