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Hide and Seek
Am I progressing?
The world I live seems to just go day by day
Cover to cover. Page to page.
an unexplained blotched book filled with silent pain.
including heartache and not knowing how to really distinguish
where I want to be and where I am currently positioned in life.
How do I get there? Why am I traveling on the road alone.
Its full of action Or so I thought.
Now I just pass pastures and meadows.
Nothing special nothing terrible.
No more phone calls of loved ones passing
due to succumbing addiction. No more contemplating anything.
steady. Easy. Boring. I need something to love other than myself.
I had a taste of it in the past. It tasted great. Those days are far over.
The situation won't come back. But it leaves me wondering.
It took me four years to build up the strength to love. Or say the words out loud.
Only to be turned to ashes so quickly.
I begin day dreaming of alternate realities.
where maybe love is not a quality in me.
I haven't gotten very far in those places.
I can't fathom the feeling of forever sleeping alone.
Its okay for now, But for how long until I am lacking connection.
commotion and emotion. I feel it dwindling.
I am over her and her lack of compassion
that led to the downfall and a course of action.
I withdraw from the closeness, the simple things I never knew mattered at all.
The wake up calls before my day started and smiling when I am receiving a call.
The lonelier the road in life. The more you look at the view.
The more you take in. the less you do.
I am so easy to adapt to feeling and places.
Its my name of course. But the void left by a non existent relationship is not one of them.
I refuse to search. I refuse to hurt. Yet I do both.
I lack patients and jump to conclusions.
I once found myself I believe. For these are emotions I loved to drug out of me.
Conflicted by lack of confusion to why I am alone again actually takes me by surprise.
No longer riddled with guilt for everything that fell and was her own demise.
It was a different time and a different me. I learned to read signs I used to ignore
passed many situations up because I knew one of us would end up on the floor
sobbing in remorse hoping they would come back because you feel cold and coarse
Its a burden i think. A burden to know down the road things will fall
so you resist a person you found to be a comfortable.
Comfortable crazy. Comfortable numb. Comfortable band aid and a cool breeze in the sun.
some traits I've felt no matter if it is the one
The one to drive me sober or the one to drive me sane
I am lost at my lack of options in this hide and seek type game.
When will I find you? When will I once again feel like the planets have aligned
and no matter the situation I wasn't alone so I always felt fine.
Content. Happiness as a constant.
Hoping scoping. living. growing.
Until love finds a way. through my walls and routines.
To captivate my mind and leave me breathless
yet stress-less as things finally work there ways
and fate falls into place.
