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The Fraud Revisited

 The Fraud Revisited©️

(Kyla Bingham, 02/04/2020)

 

The biggest fraud; that's me.

 

Don’t let this winning smile fool you.

 

Somebody needs to hand me the Best Actress EGOT. 

 

The real me? Lemme tell you what she got. 

 

A body and spirit that are crushed and broken.

 

A level of tired I can’t convey.

 

(Which says a lot as I’m a mistress with words.)

 

Hulled out and dragging. Just a husk of my former self. 

 

Like the desiccated carcass of a cicada clinging lifelessly to the trunk of a tree, just the slightest breeze could quickly do away with me. 

 

And I’m watching a movie myself—as if disembodied, silently screaming  at my character on the screen of my psyche—as she’s sludging through each moment

 

 I'm dwelling in the realm of ether; it lies midway between consciousness and being in a coma. 

 

Overwhelmed by life and what lies outside the safety of my cocoon,

 

Terrified of what is beyond the 4 walls that create the solace that is my room.

 

I tell myself today will be better than all the ones before, but my heart knows that it's a lie. 

 

Because the view never really changes when you're the larvae and not the butterfly. 

 

The minute I'm outside then close, and lock the door

 

I feel the tumblers in my heart turn over as if tethered to the deadbolt and key, triggering the tears to flow and pour.

 

Then I get to where I’m going.  (Inhale)

 

Time to clip on my wings, pretend they fit, and pray no one can tell they're counterfeit. 

 

Slap on the humor, the wit and “the floss”

 

Along with a flawlessly dewy complexion, mysterious eyes, and perfectly chosen lipgloss. 

 

Armor on. Face in place. Mask in tact. 

 

Ready for battle; it’s time to fake and front my way through another day.

 

I’ll exhale when I get home. 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote the poem "The Biggest Fraud" in August 2006. I revisited and revamped it today. I still love it, but 14 years later, I've lived a lot more and have recently been facing a lot of very major and frightening health challenges on top of the MS I've battled for over 25 years.