# light # darkness # struggle # sadness # happiness

Presque Isle, Maine in 2008

I know what it's like to open my wallet

I clearly see it is empty

As I'm late on rent, with overdue bill on electricity

I've always taken responsibility

We all need that talk, a most unforgettable discussion

the unedited, painful but needed to be said, cold honesty 

I needed to make critical decision quickly

My only option, get a job or two work my ass off

because I never wanted to steal or do anything punishable by time in prison

as you may guess I was in a mess, you're damn right I was scared white

my light Caucasian skin became pale

that reality was so heavy it hurt to inhale

I knew I didn't have money for bail

so for me there wasn't a plan B

I had to dig deeper than I ever had before

my life isn't a movie, more like a never ending war

so this soldier put on his boots and hit the pavement

more like black ice mixed with white ice, spots with knee high snow

conditions weren't nice but I was on a mission

I refused to call my family, I knew I'd hear, maybe it's time to come home?

I wasn't gonna listen.  

I was desperate I had to go, did I survive? I'm here now, so you already know. Thankful to still be alive.

Life lessons aren't the easiest food to swallow

If you digest them you'll learn to strive

This comes from unimaginable experiences

I know what it's like to open my wallet

I clearly see it is empty

As I'm late on rent, with overdue bill on electricity

I've always taken responsibility

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Look inside my mind

With these lines, I let you inside,

To witness what lies on the other side.

To see of what kind exactly I am,

Before I seal myself off, like a clam.

So have a look inside My mind,

Where all the thoughts are so complexly intertwined.

 

Like faith in real love and a brightful future,

With the loneliness of a shallow creature.

Or the wish to have a family,

With the denying words of the enemy.

Or the hope that someone will finally recognise You,

With the dreadful thought that no one would ever try to...

 

Like an image of everyone being happy,

With the forbidding truth of Your reality.

Or the truth that you are capable and smart,

With the growing pain inside your heart.

Or the feeling that all is not yet lost,

With the urge to just end it already, at any cost…

 

Light and darkness, in an endless struggle.

I wonder, how my mind so far did not crumble.

My biggest fear is that the conclusion is near,

And I cry for help, but no one will hear.

No one will hear, because no one cares.

Because the life they chose for me, is not theirs…