Yippee! I'm going to hell!!

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WolfLarsen's picture
Joined: 2011/02/08

from Blood & Semen

a monologue by Wolf Larsen


        Hell has 13 different levels.  The first level of hell is for people who were drug addicts during their lives.  On this level of hell there is every kind of drug imaginable – here you will find heroin addicts lunging jackhammers into their arms and as the heroin addicts inject a stream of bright red words flowing into their arm the heroin addicts drift across the centuries...  The heroin addicts drift from continent to continent on seas of bliss...

The crack addicts are all jumping & screaming & running & bumping about as they climb up a big crack rock the size of Mount Everest!  Whenever the crack addicts want their next blast they just grab a piece of the big mountain of crack they’re climbing up up up!

        The meth-amphetamine addicts live in a special city in hell where all the buildings are made out of meth-amphetamine.  The city of meth keeps expanding & expanding everyday because the buildings made out of meth spontaneously reproduce themselves flooding across the landscape of hell like a scattering orgasm...  The meth addicts wander out from the center of the city cooking & smoking up as many buildings as they desire!

        The speed addicts are in the skies of hell.  They zip from planet to planet!  They fly pills across the hemispheres of hell.  Time jumps out of the clocks and happily runs and runs with the speed addicts!

        Cave like bars have been dug into the walls of hell for alcoholics, outside the bar/caves are flowing rivers of all kinds, there is the flowing river of vintage cognac and then there’s the river of German beer and then there’s all kinds of rivers of wine – on some days the sky rains vodka – on some days it rains single malt whiskey, the alcoholics don’t seem to mind the rain – they hold out their tongues and arms and dance & dance in the rain like that for hours!

        Meanwhile, everyone in heaven plays their harps

        On the second level of hell are all the adulterers.  The punishment is that the adulterers are allowed to have as much sex with almost everyone they want.  However, the adulterers are not allowed to have sex with their spouses.  What torture!  The women run around naked or in lingerie or in miniskirts with no panties or in see through veils & saris.  The men in this level of hell are required to workout in a gym a minimum of 30 minutes a day (more if they wish), and they all walk around with nice muscles in Tarzan loin cloths.  Everyone in this level is required to cheat on their husbands or wives at least once a day.  What horror!

        Meanwhile, everyone in heaven continues playing their harps.

        The third level is devoted to the rampant sweet tooths.  The best pastry chefs & chocolatiers that have ever lived are given free reign in this part of hell.  The shelves are absolutely crammed full of everything imaginable that’s sweet & delicious.  And none of it costs anything! – there’s no money in hell – because hell is a horrible communist society where there’s plenty for the masses!

        Meanwhile, in heaven someone yells, “I’M SICK OF PLAYING THIS @#%$&^&*%$$# HARP ALREADY!  I WISH I WERE IN HELL!  AN ETERNITY OF HEAVEN – I’M GOING MAD WITH BOREDUM!”

        The third & fourth levels of hell are VERY close together – and visits between these two levels are common – because the fourth level of hell is devoted to gluttons.  Here every kind of food can be found cooked by the greatest chefs that the human race has ever known.  There is only two rules on this level; 1) All food must be delicious 2) No one is allowed to eat anything they don’t want. 

In order to torture the gluttons hot saunas are provided, which the gluttons may visit as often as they wish.  These saunas are one of the hot areas of hell you’ve heard about.  Here in the saunas the gluttons burn off the calories of all the food they eat.

        The fifth level of hell is for everyone who spent their entire lives screwing everything in sight.  This level of hell has gigantic beds everywhere, where masses of people engage in the orgies of immaculate conception for all eternity.  Everyone in this level of hell is so hot between the legs that they can never get enough!  The people in this level of hell are doomed to keep having sex with lots of different people forever and ever!  There is a super fast elevator connecting this level of hell with the adulterer’s level.

        The sixth level of hell is for the marijuana smokers.  At first the marijuana smokers shared the first level with all the drug addicts.  But the marijuana smokers were just so laid back it was found they were completely incompatible with drunks & drug addicts.

        This level is a forest of all kinds of cannabis growing thousands of feet/meters into the air.  Soothing waterfalls provide a relaxing music.  The people in this realm are doomed to smoke the highest grades of cannabis forever.

        The different levels of hell are allowed to visit each other, and of all the realms of hell the magical forest of marijuana is the most visited by the other realms.  Guests from other realms are required to respect the tranquility of this realm while visiting.

        The final realm of hell is devoted to born-again Christians who were hypocrites during their lives.   Some devout Catholics can be found here as well.

          On this level of hell can be found the hot ovens that keep the higher levels of hell warm.  This is the EXTREMELY HOT part of hell that you’ve heard so much about!  Here the Christians work amongst giant flames and endlessly shovel coal into the huge ovens 24 hours a day 365 days a year for all eternity.

        As the Christians shovel the coal a preacher SCREAMS at them all their sins of hypocrisy that they carried out during their lives on the earth’s surface.

        In order to prevent the spread of hypocrisy the people in this level of hell are forbidden to visit the other levels.

        The born-again Christians that practice what they preach go to heaven.  The other 95% of the born-again Christians go to hell.

        Most of the devout Catholics, on the other hand, go to heaven.  That’s because by going to confession, and admitting to the pedophile priest that they are sinning hypocrites of the flesh, they cleanse themselves of their sins.  In heaven the devout Catholics playing the harp endlessly suffer from insane boredom – the same way they suffer from boredom at Sunday mass when they are forced to repent for a week of sins by listening to the excruciating torture of the father’s dry monotone blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

        The suffocating boredom of listening to the priest prepares them for heaven – for an eternity of boredom of laying on a cloud and playing the harp.

        The devout Catholics handle the sentence of an eternity of boredom in heaven with a stoic spirit.  They’re Catholics, they understand they were born to suffer.  To be a good Catholic is to suffer & suffer & suffer, just like Jesus Christ on the cross. 

Copyright 2007 by Wolf Larsen

Spinoza's picture
Joined: 2003/08/25
nice light fun read

This was a nice light fun read. Especially liked your YouTube Reading on http://www.wolflarsen.org/


allets's picture
Joined: 2012/08/19
This Was Fun

Neither heaven as boredom or hell as hot resounded with the blending bacl ino the universe htpotheses, but your hypocrits were astonishingly and rightfully treated. Enjoyed - whistfully. Move over Dante! :D



Matthew's picture
Joined: 2013/10/05
Like the Marijuana level

Like the Marijuana level best.  The heaven where you worship god for eternity, now that's cruel.

Matthew D Morgan

Sivus's picture
Joined: 2003/03/11

I enjoyed this very much! I don't personally believe in a heaven or a hell, but man, I hope that I'm wrong and that I get access to level 6! I want to build a tree house in a cannabis oak!

Thanks for the read, Wolf! I'll be sure to keep an eye out for more from you!

HisWithNoDoubt's picture
Joined: 2011/07/02
I LOVE THIS! hahaha its the

I LOVE THIS! hahaha its the best