Help. Poem from a Non-native english writer

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craigbale's picture
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Joined: 2013/01/05

Birds Lost in the mist

 

Between a fading crimson sky and

A ground covered by bones and

Rotten flesh

 

There are some birds

Who don´t resign to sing,

Even when their voices are

Vanishing

 

“I always can hide far enough,”

Says the loon, “Darkness is safer

than this gloomy light.”

 

The blackbird, flying around looking

For a place in the taller branches of the firs,

Whisper: “There´s no point to hide. He will

Find you anyway, no matter how fast

you run, no matter

how far your wings left you.”

 

The crow, devouring some stolen eggs from

A dove´s nest, mumble: “I find it comfortable

Being surrounded by these bunches of

Silver threads…. Unlike you, my sore fades

In the fog and I turn invisible.”

 

 

I am not a native english speaker, so I would be greateful if you point out some mistakes that this poem may have. Thanks a lot.


craigbale's picture
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Joined: 2013/01/05
Thamks a lot, i really

Thamks a lot, i really appreciate this!!!!!

pldappls's picture
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Joined: 2012/11/12
the structure isn't that bad

the structure isn't that bad so good job. i cleaned it up a little bit for you (ie took out some words to help with the flow a little bit i guess and changed a couple. [great piece by the way i enjoyed the hell out of it])

 

 

"Birds Lost in the mist"

 

Between a fading crimson sky

A ground covered by bones and

Rotten flesh

 

There are some birds

Who don´t resign to sing,

Even when their voices are

Vanishing

 

“I always can hide far enough away,”

Says the loon, “Darkness is safer

than this gloomy light.”

 

This blackbird, flying around looking

For a place in the tallest branches of the firs,

A whispers: “There´s no point to hide. He will

Find you anyway, no matter how fast

you fly, no matter

how far your wings take you.”

 

The crow, devouring some stolen eggs from

A dove´s nest mumbles: “I find it comfortable

Being surrounded by these bunches of

Silver threads…. Unlike you, my sores fade

In the fog and I turn invisible.”