The light from that orb
So dull and gray
illuminating her breath
for that last goodbye
reminding me of pain from the day
crushing me with the words i could not say
now i waste my life away
only to live another day
with a broken heart here i lay
now only to die another day.
I would love everyones opinion on this thank you
Hey, first off the juxtaposition of the orb ring dull and grey it doesn't make sense but if the whole aim is the topic is senseless then I guess it b/odes well. It's a good start you have some good word combos but I lose track of the imagery in my mind it is interrupted by the logic seemly being a mistake rather than intentional. Needs some tweaking have a few reads and imagine all the different ways a reader could read it and see if it holds up as being beautiful to you. If it is then its perfect. Thanks.i'd like to see more.