Please critique

2 replies [Last post]
Plagues's picture
Joined: 2013/06/01

I want to insert you in my veins, sniff you into my thoughts, drink you into my soul, overdose in your presence. Plagued in disasters, I need redemption. Free my bastered soul, it’s mischievous and deluded intents. Let me be your fear, set you still lay you down, sink my teeth into your throat and take whats pure. Your legs on my shoulders, let me drown in you. The way you live needs love, the way I love needs alterations. Submerging ourselves in broken dreams and empty vows. Lets fuck until our heart drops, gasp until our heart stops. Choke on our words, praise fake lords, pursue diseased whores. Let’s create for havocs sake.

sweetwater's picture
Joined: 2013/05/17
I am with ~Allets~ on this,

I am with ~Allets~ on this, the beginning is very good, but the latter lines are not easy to read . Also I believe a poem should be made from Interesting rhymes, lovely wordplay or clever imagery. I am afraid obscenities never add to a poem, they always give the impression they're only there for the shock factor. I will read any poem but if it contains such words I cannot be bothered with it.

Forget the unpleasent words, and you'll have a great poem, it dosen't need them.

allets's picture
Joined: 2012/08/19
Turn On the Juice

Chaos poetics. For publication in porn magazines? Professional publishing houses would not touch bastarded/fuck/whores/blastphemy - the language police would be all over this. (Self publication or vanity press material). It would work as a rap lyric if formated. Like this, in prose layout, hard to read. There are natural breaks (pauses) here and line lengths shortened would make it more "readable/singable". Double space, the line length easier to follow. Content is cool. I liked the legs on the shoulders - ah, visuals and graphic description as imagery ~Allets~