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Please Critique

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10 April 2013 - 4:06am
justing30
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Our Coach


Our coach is a person that is truly unique

He is a a person that you rarely ever meet

A man of character and morals above reproach

We do not know what we would do without this man as our coach

 

He is kind and nice and always there to steer us

His advice is wise surpassing his years

And though his words are not always easy to hear

We are so glad we can have our coach to guide us

 

He has shared in our passions and successes

But also in our sorrows and failures

Always there to lift us up with words of encouragement

We shudder to think where we would be without our coach

 

Strict and stubborn have been used to describe him

Yet he deems those qualities as some of his best

Though integrity, kindness, passion, and faith

Abound in him and make our coach truly unique

 

A man of virtue

A man of God

Living a life that truly shows what he believes

Our coach is man who we all strive to be.

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10 April 2013 - 11:41pm
#1
SSmoothie
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Wow what a lovely tribute!

Wow what a lovely tribute! Sounds like a great man indeed! Coaching is hardwork, coaching well even tougher! Is a nice easy going rhyme scheme and has some really sweet sentiments. A few more special moments could be added to add intimacy and realness. Eg. You're there when we hit out or home with an exteneded encouraging arm... Gracious in victory and defeat...what else can you tell us about this great man.

 

self critiquing is an important skill to have here are a few ideas to help you create the work you want, like all advice take what you want and ignore the rest! Cheers SS 

 

things to think about: 

is it an ode? Odes have a reoccurring verse Usually lyrical.

do you have a set rhyming scheme?

sometimes rhyming schemes add flow and lyricism other times they make a poem very formulaic and wooden. Breaking it up a bit sometimes alleviates this.

are you happy with it? 

Does it capture the essence of the man and match your intension? If yes that's great your poem is finished! 

are you proud of it? 

Then it is indeed a great poem! 

 

Hope this helps 

 

Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS    

"Well, it's love, but not as we know it."

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12 April 2013 - 5:57pm
#2
justing30
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Thanks!

Thank you so much for the fast critique! I will consider all of the things you said and if applicable apply them to my poem. You gave me some good things to think on. Thank you!

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