To The Boy In The Red Feathers

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Go-a-Green-a's picture
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Joined: 2010/12/08

There ain't no such thing as freedom,
the word's just there to get yer hopes up,
maybe there's somethin better,
maybe it'll all work out.

Rubbish.

Life don't work that way, my frend,
life just ain't like that.
Life'll push ya,
kick ya wen yer down,
make ya eat the filth ya crawl in,
take away yer speech.
And it don't get better,
it ain't never gonna be better.
We're stuck here till it all blows away.

Cuz life's the cane that snapped in haff,
made ya fall in the frozen waste,
made ya grit yer teeth and get back up,
made ya keep on trudgin forward,
keep on goin throo the pain.
Ya have to hold on,
ya have to keep movin
or the snow'll bury ya till dusk
and dusk ain't just a time o' day.

No body's free,
I know, my frend, that it's tru.
Ya ever been happy?
Ya ever seen yer love boil over,
melt the snow o' yer icy hart?
No,
no, you haven't.
You can't.
They won't let ya.

There ain't no such thing as freedom, boy,
there just ain't.
Don't say nothin bout the goverment,
ya ain't gonna mess wi' them
but they can mess wi' you.
Don't you sing that song, m'boy,
don't you dare,
they'll only take more from us.
Quit starin' at the clouds,
ya got yer head too far up 'em,
logic's all ya need.

Aye,
it's a twisted place,
it is, I've seen it,
they'll take ya
and break ya
till there ain't nothin left
but short, ragged hair
and a plain brown jacket.

They don't spare no one, my frend,
they don't,
they take 'em all,
stop their speekin',
stop their goddamn breathin'.
There just ain't no freedom.

But I need you to come wi' me,
I need you to come,
over here, quickly now,
I'm gonna save ya,
I'm gonna free ya,
really free ya.
Just follow the path,
others will wait,
live wi' no goverment,
don't care 'bout the system,
take yer bow an' shoot 'em down.

Freedom,
yer gonna have it, m' boy,
it don't exist yet but soon,
now go, 
live,
keep yer spirit pure,
before they take me away.

coffeewithleonardcohen's picture
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Joined: 2011/01/08
Hi Go-a-green-a, I like your

Hi Go-a-green-a,
I like your poem. The works of yours I have read in general seem to combine the beautiful and wretched in interesting ways.
Since you would like a critique, I would suggest:
For one thing, I would make it a bit shorter. I like your dialect and your usage of the sort of hopeless expressions we use- ain't no such thing as freedom, they can mess with you, nobody's free, etc. However, I think the reader gets the picture after one or two and after that you're repeating yourself. Usually after I write a poem I go back later and try to remove every single word that I can do without.
On the other hand, there were some intriguing images that I wish you had elaborated on a little more.
Life's the cane that snapped in half- that's a great line. I don't know if you need to say any more because that paints a very vivid picture by itself.
ain't nothin left but short, ragged hair and a plain brown jacket. - that's my other favorite line in this poem. It leaves me with questions, though. I'm not saying you need to answer every question the reader might have (let the reader choose how he wants to take it) but I think I would enjoy a little more.
Especially because the title is what attracted me to your poem in the first place. I want to know who the boy in the red feathers is, and why he'll end up in a plain brown jacket. Don't satisfy ALL of my curiosity- but satisfy a little bit of it. Give me the vivid stuff- it's the canes, the red feathers, and the brown jackets I will remember later, not the sadness and desperation (since everybody feels that anyway).
Please let me know if this is helpful- I will be happy to do more.

n/a