PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

Mark of the new writer of verse, extra non-seeable words deleted would help. Clairity is not a problem. That's good. Length - verbose, reconfigure verses into twice as long lines and pull verses together for compactness. Go through poem and take out all the "same" or "exact" lines-ideas, say it once. All lines whould "bounce off" in expanding the title. Titles are important, they sum up the entire write. Agree: take out small words like "the, and, it, of, as). The line collapses and more emotion is possible. Emotion is paramount in poetry - if you don't feel something at the end with a clincher that sums it all up or brings it full circle, it is not going to be emotional. Use all your vocabulary. Everywhere you have a single syllable word, make it two or more syllable words (as an exercise to pull out all your vocabulary even if you can't spell it). That's the hard part, expanding your vocab. Be wise, share what you absolutely know at this stage in your life. The heart is in reality, in what you see and how it affect you (later how it affects everyone). 

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Hope this helps. Kinda late. Just browsing and found this. Good feedback topside. Never rhyme - you are an okay prose poet now.

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slc

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this was very emotional for me, for reasons that i felt i had a connection with, in a medical sense,

then a sense where you seem to say, a focus of eyes and mind are in conflict.

also the sense of wanting to die, and death, and all.

yet this empathy, emotive, opening of a scribe, is commendable as an artistic release, and allows other scribes to feel they are not alone. 

thats my view, i cant do grammar checks and all.

id like to hear what you think. 

As far as the poem is concerned I would give it a "C".  It would be more digestable if it rhymed throughout.  The meaning is simple.  You have no friends.  You have no one to love.  You have no one to love you.  You feel like to don't have control over your life.  This will never change.  It is how we deal with it that matters.  Love affairs come and go.  Friends come and go.  The key is to love yourself.  That is easier said than done.  Find things that make you happy with yourself.  What makes you happy? What gives you joy?  Find people who will accept you as you are.  Let me give you an analogy.  I have friends that are nudists.  They frequent nude beach, and nude campgrounds.  For them this has almost nothing to do with sex, or sexual arousal.  It is about being with people who accept them as they are.  In an enviorment like that it would be considered extremely rude to make any rude comments about how someone looks.  Young people are vicious and rude.  Hell our  new President is vicious and rude.  Drugs and alcohol will only make things worse.  I don't laugh very easily.  The TV show "Big Bang Theory" makes me laugh out loud.  I don't watch that much television.  Sitcoms are usually stupid.  That TV show makes me laugh.  It's just a little thing.  It seems to help.  Don't give up on yourself.  Don't give up on the idea that you can meet people who will accept you as you are.  Music can help.  Sometimes listening to sad songs can lift you up.  It's called the "Blues".  It makes us understand that we're all going through the same shit.  You are not the only one to ever feel tremendous emotional pain.  Listen to "How Many Friends", by the Who.  Listen to the lyrics.  It's on Youtube.  Listen to "Too Late the Hero", by John Entwistle.  Listen to the lyrics.    

What I got from it trying to get into a schizophrenics head (personas or imaginary friends) but only as an empathizer, observer. It lacks 'real' depth and is immature as far as the chosen words. so I'm guessing you're young ish. I get a watered down Harley Quinn meets columbine if you will.  what I didn't like apart from the above is that the repetition although had potential it felt like it was a filler. There's some badass lines but some weak ones that dilute the work for me. Structure is good because it sets the reader up for when you break it giving a static unstableness that hints at what is to come. It ends very deathly and dark and then is hopeful calling on God yet bathing in blood. It needed more subtlety to match the theme and ideas running through the poem.  I see the juxtaposition here and that can be a great thing. But we're not on to what I liked yet are we? So the My eyes are my claim to life line is great but it doesn't belong in here might have to save it for another poem it's clunky and doesn't need to be there. Some places read more like a dialogue than poetic writings and that's the key the art in the writing whether it be the lyrical phrase or the twisted idea or contrast similar or metaphor. You see if you're gonna bathe in blood you should allude to the idea it's theirs or maybe it's yours? Leave ita little more open to interpretation. If it's about redemption calling on God then it needs a little more apathy to ring out the irony and the justopositions you've set out. What I did like is the way you described what others see and defending your reality. Some excellent lines and lethal combos but it's saying too much and it's too long. Try paring it down to the bare essentials that you want to leave the reader with and make those images powerful because some lines and verses are amazing but they need to shine not be swallowed up in xtraneous details and restating ideas. My fav verses were in order from top to bottom

1 2 3 4 56 78 10 12 13 14 15 but the order could change a bit think about if it's in the right spot does it give the feeling you want? Read it as if you don't know it with fresh eyes and really listen to the description of the imagery as if you were someone else how might they hear it? 

Here re for example I've switched some verses around and left out some bits. So youcan see what kind of ways you could play with it in the refitting if you chose. Of course if you love it just as it is ignore any of my comments or suggestions as the most important person to be happy with it is you. Write to please yourself not others. That said:

But that's not true

It's real to me
Just not real to you.

I'm right
And you're wrong!
Just accept my friends
And move on

You're crazy
Not me
Just leave us alone
And let us be

I fight this war of reality
But the doctor doesn't believe me
What is this curse?
Why do I have it?
Does it hurt anyone else?