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Stray Hounds - Criticism Welcome

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4 April 2015 - 6:52pm
Fireasametaphor
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So, I entered the English Poetry contest of my highschool, and I hardly have any experience with writing poetry, especially in english. That's why I need advices from you guys! The theme is remembrance. Keep in mind that I'm 17, originally a french speaker, and that what I'm about to post is just a draft. So here goes:


STRAY HOUNDS


When they finally let me breathe,

My skull is still throbbing with the reverberation of this latent growl,

Concealed in everyone else

The evergrowing threat of 1000 hungry stray dogs.


I sail down the meanders of anger and frustration.

A familiar smell of moss, pinetrees and humid soil.

I abandon my angst-ridden self

And let the primordial air fill my lungs with ecstasy.


Yet there's a certain sadness to it.


I hear your feet trample the blue grass.

You approach me, with your marble skin

I know all the mounds of your celadon veins

And your laughter heals my skull.


Yet all I have left of you

Is a memory of a memory

And tomorrow, I will dance with the stray hounds,

Again.



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10 April 2015 - 5:36pm
#1
Carcass
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Critique

I am just giving you my honest advice on your poem.  

 

"The evergrowing threat of 1000 hungry stray dogs."

I would try to avoid using numbers, try spelling out the number, it makes it more personal.


For the "Yet there's a certain sadness to it."

I would try and explain that more or incorporate it with a stanza.  You say there is a certain sadness to it, the stanza before is sad and the one after is happy.  I'm not sure it fits as is.


Also when you say "And your laughter heals my skull."

I think skull is not the right word to use here, I would try and rephrase the sentance or change out the word.  Such as mind, soul, or something of the sorts.  

Just my critique of small things, but I think what you have here is pretty fantastic.  I hope I could help!  (obviously you don't have to listen to my critique heh)

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23 May 2015 - 3:58pm
#2
Fireasametaphor
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Here is a finalized version

Here is a finalized version if anyone is interested:

 

STRAY DOGS

 

In an attempt to flee from the present,

I hide in the temple of my skull.

A sadness could be felt.

 

The Sadness became one with the morning haze.

 

I sail down the meanders of memory

And reach a familiar landscape.

Ecstasy; your feet trampled the blue grass.

 

The Sadness became one with the stray dogs.

 

You approach me with your marble skin,

I know all the mounds of your veins,

And your laughter heals my skull.

 

Sadness and laughter resounding.

 

Yet all I have left of you

Is a memory of a memory.

An iridescent ersatz of life.

 

Sadness, as an attempt to flee from the present.

 

You are a forgotten deity in the temple of my skull

Sealed by my own frustration and anger.

 

Sadness, collapsing into remembrance.

 

Hey Carcass, thanks a lot !

Sorry for missing your critique and not replying earlier. Right after I posted this early version of the poem, I realized that I didn't like it at all. I thought it lacked coherence, and that some parts sounded pretentious, or "corny" - like how I ended the poem with "Again." - or downright uninteresting, and simply reading it made me pretty upset. That's why I ended up not checking the website very often, and tried to work on a different, "overhauled" version by myself. I feel like a jerk for requesting criticism and just disappear like that, I'm sure yours would have helped me a lot!




 

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