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This deep, dark, blinding pain

is digging at my core.

What did I do to deserve this? I'll never know.

My demons haunt me every night

of the guilt from all my past mistakes.

I take resposibility for actions

and reactions from events

I did not deserve to be encountered with

in the first place.



Every breath is the onset of another tear.

Every shudder is the sign of another fear.



His presence is illuminating

but once I turn my back for a second -

He returns to the darkness that terrifies me.

The uncertainty and the pain

and the struggle and the resistance

and the tension and the fear

grasp hold of my soul tighter than any noose

and suffocates me of any ounce of hope I had left.



So I walk away for a while,

take some deep cooling breaths,

put my full faith in his "love",

and reset my naive mind and heart to square one,

only to do it all over again.