This deep, dark, blinding pain
is digging at my core.
What did I do to deserve this? I'll never know.
My demons haunt me every night
of the guilt from all my past mistakes.
I take resposibility for actions
and reactions from events
I did not deserve to be encountered with
in the first place.
Every breath is the onset of another tear.
Every shudder is the sign of another fear.
His presence is illuminating
but once I turn my back for a second -
He returns to the darkness that terrifies me.
The uncertainty and the pain
and the struggle and the resistance
and the tension and the fear
grasp hold of my soul tighter than any noose
and suffocates me of any ounce of hope I had left.
So I walk away for a while,
take some deep cooling breaths,
put my full faith in his "love",
and reset my naive mind and heart to square one,
only to do it all over again.
This is a great piece as so very often I've found myself in love but afraid of the love of the other person or fearful of my own inability to love or accept that which is given. Also afraid that because of who I am, where I've come from and where I've been I am unworthy of that love by default.
You've touched on it so very well. I think you should call this piece . . .
Suffocating
Nate