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Haphephobia
Haphephobia: is a rare specific phobia that involves the fear of touching or of being touched. This is often associated with a fear of sexual assault. Victims of sexual abuse have a fear of being touched, quoting one victim who describes being touched as something that "burns like fire", causing him to freeze up or lash out.
I don’t like being touched.
Not by people I'm not comfortable with
Which may be normal to you but…
I there are certain levels of comfortable that I’m comfortable with I have with people.
Levels
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Being very comfortable. I can touch you, you can touch me in a very loving family like way.
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Being I’m friendly comfortable with you. I can touch you in a way which is only in a appropriate way I feel is correct and I expect you to do the same.
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Being I know you, but I’m not comfortable with you. So dont touch me and I won’t touch you.
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Being the most unbearable of being uncomfortable (strangers). DO NOT TOUCH ME, DO NOT COME NEAR ME!
And these apply to everyone.
People I would've known for years can be on level two and three. Most of my family aren’t even on level one. People at my school are more at level one than my own family. I find that concerning, but that’s just how I feel and that’s how my body reacts to when someone touches me.
When someone touches me I either feel this pain like something stabbing me where they touched me or it feels hot like a I’m burning like the inside of the Earth’s core. When someone I’m comfortable with touches me it feels totally different, cool and warm at the same time. It’s like a feeling I’m safe; I can trust them and they won’t hurt me.
This probably has to do with my PTSD and my trust issues.
I don’t know why my body chooses the people it trusts and doesn’t. I don’t know if it’s wrong or right. But I know a lot of people feel hurt by it.
I know they “think” I can “change” but it’s not that simple. They don’t know the feeling I get when someone touches me.
I shut down,
I want to cry,
The pain of someone touching me is so uncomfortable and so unbearable.
Even the thought makes my makes my skin crawl.
It’s not something you can flip a switch on. More like a safe you’re trying to crack.
But I don’t want to seem cold, or like I’m a bad person because I let some people touch me and others can’t. It’s not like that, if I was comfortable and if my body would allow it; it would be great if I could touch and be touched by people I wanted to trust.
But dont say its in my head because it’s so much more than that. It’s not something you can’t just “get over” or “let go”.
I does affect my everyday living believe me when I tell you I want to change, but also believe when I say I don’t dislike living the way I live right now.
Haphephobia
Doesn’t hold me back it affects me, but it doesn’t hold me back.
BY: Marisa Chau
