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Waiting For You to Stalk Me
I know you are coming daddy
I just dont know when.
I know you won't call.
You will just appear.
This is what I would say to you
Maybe in a therapy session:
Why are you here?
Did you think that I was going to be happy?
You took everything away from me.
And in return you gave me pain and heartache.
Don't ask me why I moved.
You should have known it was because of you.
You tried to kill me or did that slip your memory.
You always told me if you can't have me no one else can.
Why are you here?
Just to leave and abandon me again.
I don't need this and I have grown up without you in 3 years.
Did you expect me to open my arms and just let you in?
I needed you daddy, and you hurt me so much.
Do you actually think there is love for you here?
Why don't you go back to your paralyzed girlfriend.
I guess you haven't hit her yet.
She thinks you're her angel from above.
You are sick and although there is so much hate.
I still love you because you are my father.
What went wrong daddy?
How many times did I piss you off so you had an excuse?
How many times did I piss you off so you would rape me?
How many times did you say it was my fault?
All my life until I left you and your own issues.
I remember you getting on your knees to beg for forgiveness.
This all from me.
I can't ARS.
I can't forgive you daddy.
I can't sleep at night.
I see you all the time.
I hurt so much inside.
And you never even took the time to see that.
So I guess to end this poem.
I am sitting here waiting for you to stalk me.
I know I stay on your mind.
I am supposed to be your child.
R, thats what I call you now.
Because I cry inside every time I say you are my father.
I am going to abandon you like you did me.
But I could never hurt you because that would make me like you.
When did you start hating me?
I thought I was good instead every weekend it ended in shame.
The police knew us all to well.
What happened, every time I seen you, were you in a Psychotic Episode?
Did you have no control?
I keep thinking that someone must have done something to you.
Something that made you turn out this way.
But there are no excuses even if it happened to you.
I know I am not the only one.
I have so much shit on you.
But luckily the evidence is unclear.
Other wise you would be serving time for what you did.
I protected you because I loved you so damn much.
You didn't protect me, you didn't protect me from you.
I devalued myself so you wouldn't be in jail.
All the shame and guilt, all this time you were never sorry.
Inside I have to live with that.
I could have taken you off the streets and protected everyone.
But I kept thinking, you were going to change.
There was a softer side to you.
I have a memory when I fell and you picked me up.
You rocked me in your arms until I stopped crying.
You kissed my knee and put a bandaid on it.
Where did you go daddy? Where is that type of father?
I am not afraid of you anymore.
I know who I am now, and where I belong.
But like always, I am going to let you in.
Because I still remember that gentle man.
The man I called father.
I remember the hate towards me.
There is more painful memories than happy ones.
I haven't given up daddy, not on you.
I know someday you will change, maybe in your grave.
I can't stop crying because I want my father back.
But you can never be the same.
12 years daddy, you abused me and tried to kill me.
I pray for you everynight before bed.
I know you love me.
But I don't know how to accept your love.
I don't know how to love you daddy.
When you come to where I am.
I will be ready.
I will be strong.
I will be waiting, but not with open arms.
I miss you daddy.
But not enough to sacrafice myself again.
This time I won't give up anything.
I will be taking my life back from you.
~Kesha~
