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Silently...I Dont Know
Silently prayed for a man that could melt the ice i felt built up around my heart...There he was...engrossed in his pain..looking for someone who would listen as he talked it out...Lord could this be the one?
Silently prayed for someone that I could give all of this love pent up inside of me and ready to burst out...for someone who would accept and appreciate all that I have to give without abusing my giving nature...There he was...begging to be loved...promising that this time is forever...funny, but forever wasnt quite as long as I thought it would be...
Silently I listened to what he would do, could do, used to do, wanted to do....supporting his endeavors, boosting his ego...uplifting his spirit....encouraging him not to let the cares of this world get him down...not to let the weight of the world take away his selfworth...maybe giving so much of myself is what broke me....
Silently I watched and excused away the little things....I should have known...should have realized...but then I wanted this to be right....I had waited so long....really believed that my search was over...anything worth having is worth working for, right?...So, I let him in...I let him in and continued to pray...followed my heart...did as commanded by God and then....just like that it crumbled...
Assumptions, accusations, explanations...this cant be...worked so hard...prayed so long...wall finally came down now Im hurt again...I hurt again and I wonder...is this all there is...am i destined to bear the hurt and pains of others...to keep myself closed off...to pretend that everything is alright when I so desparately wish that I could feel something more than indifference...am I destined to spend my life alone...to boost other peoples spirits...to feel the joy of others and wonder if that same joy will ever really be mine...am i wrong for wanting to love and be loved...maybe this isn't God's will for my life...I dont know...
I dont understand...wont be hurt again...there goes the wall...but more than a wall now...now there's also a rift...a division between body and spirit...will this ever end...I just dont know...
