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Who am I? These thoughts I ponder are not my own.
I am lost in an ocean of confusion trying to find my way back home.
I am alone, me, myself, and I. But who am I? Am I just an outsider looking to roam?
The smile on my face? The way I laugh, the way I dress, the sports I play, the music? This isn’t who I am; it’s simply a shell of your expectations and who I used to be.
I feel nothing, the nervous laughter when you flirt? It’s fake. I don’t feel anymore, I don’t know how.
I miss youth, I miss innocence, and I miss not having to care about who I am. Those feint memories that remain, they are truly the best. Those hot summer days swimming in the lake, the snowy nights snuggled together by the fire, the warm glow of your smile, our dog at our feet.
I miss this, I miss these days, and I miss you. But mostly I miss being happy. I miss the ability to be happy. I just don’t know how to feel anymore. I simply don’t know.
I am fake. I am not real, I cannot believe in myself. I lie, I cry, & I don’t want to be here.
My life is built on a pyramid of lies, & I’m there teetering at the top hoping not to slip.
There’s others on the ground below trying to break me. Others want to help, but what would they think of me if they knew their best friend, sister, daughter, or even their lover was a lie? If they knew the real me?
I want a new beginning. I know I don’t deserve it, but I need it. I need a fresh start, start over new. New name, new friends, new family, new place. No lies. Nothing at all.
Because bottled up inside are the words I never said, the feelings never shown, the thoughts never heard. Bottled up inside is who I am today. I want to forget it all, and bury that bottle, but then again I don’t.
I want someone to know the real me. Someone to expose all of my secrets to and someone who I can tell anything to.
Then again I don’t, I’m simply lost. I don’t want anyone to know who I am. No one knows I lie awake at night wondering how to fix this,
I am the challenge, the one incapable of loving, the one unable to feel.
Sometimes life doesn’t seem worth living.
Mostly I wish someone would simply push me off the pyramid or bury me with that damn bottle. My life simply isn’t worth living.
When people die they get a finale, they go out with a bang, a big show. But that isn’t what I want.
I want to slowly drift away; no one should know I feel this way. I don’t want to hurt anyone any more.
But I am a coward.
I want death to come so badly, but I have no idea how. I just wish someone would do it for me, but then again I don’t want to the finale, because I know I simply don’t deserve it.

Goodnight world.