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Whirld's End
Like each of my actions have always shown, like the consistency - but restart, like re-learning how to ride a bike,
The words, my mouth is so full of them I can feel the strain on my jaw, but none of them are the right ones,
Stuffed to the brim, yet accuracy and potency remain unfilled - weightless, yet on my shoulders a 1,000 tons,
The world I knew and was so happy in, the world I gladly acclimated to, has come to a stark end,
Family - gone. Friends - acquaintances. Love - gone. Help - help me please - no hand to lend…
Mind keeps trying to play out scenarios where this could work out.
Surreal. No closure, moved out ‘virtually’ - nothing done in person.
only care about the expensive things - none of the sentimental things.
Elise and family enmeshed. it’s ok to look at family as good/better than others, but it becomes a pathology when, in the face of a lot of relevant and recent evidence pointing to the contrary, you ignore it. One has to acknowledge that family members, no matter what pedestal you place them upon because they’re simply part of your family, does not make them superhuman. They are still capable of doing terrible things in the right circumstances. My dad is a good person with a good heart and he beat the fuck out of me for wanting to skateboard one night instead of have dinner as a family. Good people can do horrible things - this doesn’t make them horrible people, but I believe that in Elise’s eyes, it does, hence her extreme and pathological refusal to attribute any even possibility fo her mother being capable of doing any wrong, causing any pain, acting in any malicious manner, being selfish, etc…
I’s been several weeks since I’ve spoken to you. My chest feels tight - from the moment I wake until I try to fall asleep at night. I haven’t been sleeping. I toss and turn for hours at night. I don’t have an appetite. My stomach feels like my chest - only half the time I feel sick, like I want to throw up. This is how it’s been for the past week. Things aren’t getting better - time isn’t healing anything. I have the opportunity to be with someone else - I realized I didn’t want that - I wanted you. Even after everything that has happened, for some reason my heart aches for you. I feel horrendous from the moment I wake until the dreaded time I try to get to sleep. I think of killing myself pretty much daily. I can’t continue to feel this way and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m so sad - I can’t describe it - it manifests in pacing around the house, crying, shaking, tension in my chest - all of which is constant, relentless, I rarely have any reprieve.
