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I am afraid to grieve the loss's I  have..

Those of the people because I dont want to loose them again..

I fear the pain that will come with letting go..

Afraid I will forget..

Looseing more then just the person..

Also the memories I have held on to all this time.

Fearing there will be nothing left..

I fear dreaming the lost dreams I have..

Afraid of seeing the failures this means I have to face..

Having to accept they are things that were taken from and can never be..

I fear grieving my life loses..

Even those in my childhood..

Because then I have to admit they are there..

If I grieve all this then I have to admit my feelings and thoughts in all of it..

Then I would have to speak of all these feelings I have kept hidden deep inside myself..

I would have to admit my weakness's..

I would have to let down that wall I have built for so many years..

I could no longer hide behind it..

If I grieved everything I have pushed back in that long fileing cabinet..

I would have to let go of the river that is inside me too..

The unvulnable side..

The side I have made myself lead..

I fear grieveing my losses..

Because then everyone would see me in a way I dont let people see..

The person that gets angry..

the one that gets scared..

The one that sheads tears..

All the things I fear people to see..

For what if they were to judge me..

And see me as weak..

As that is what I have been taught this means..

I fear letting go and letting myself grieve..

For I am not sure what will be on the other side for me..

I fear the unknown in grieving..

I fear everything..

I even fear asking for help to grieve..

So many fears here..

Though none of them you see..

For they are hidden deep insie of me..

I ask you lord to help me face these fears that only you can know of.. Even without me saying a word of them.

I no longer want to hide in the shadows of the grief I am afraid to share..

I want to be able to think of my losses and know they are not a mark against me..

Instead something from which I can learn..

I want to be able to think of them and smileand remember something good of it..

Please Lord...........

I ask you to come to me and help me get thru what has been a long road I have had to travel alone..

No longer wanting to be alone on this journey..

Though I am afraid to ask for help for someone to take my hand and help me walk thru it..

The unknown of what will be in the end scares me Lord..

Please can you take my hand?

Can you give the "A God in the skin" to help me thru this?

I want to start to live my life Lord..

Not live to survive..

To live and look forward to each day..

To not always have it as one of pain..

I want to live life and not just survive it Lord..

Please Lord I ask you to come into my life to help me..

To get past my fears and my anxietys about grieveing the ones I have lost..

The dreams that can never be..

The parts of my life that were taken..

So that I can have what is now infront of me..

A life I can choose..

A life to be free to live..

Please Lord..

Hold me tight in your arms and comfort me..

Let me feel you near..

Let me not feel alone in this fear..

Walk with me on this journey..

Tell me its ok to shead my tears..

Tell me its ok to grieve without guilt..

Tell me its ok to just be me..

Whoever that person may be..



Amen