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I do not trust myself

As he laid on top of me I suddenly froze

And he said nothing, just took off my clothes

I tried to move and put my hands over my face

To try not to see

What later would make me a disgrace

But I forgot to shut my eyes

I saw everything that happened

And didn’t realize



Now I sit upon my bathroom floor

Rocking back and forth

I put my hands over my ears

Squeeze my eyes shut

To try to forget what I have done

But it doesn’t work I’m the stupid one

I’m a stupid girl and I do not trust myself

Please somebody help



Nothing happened nothing happened I keep trying to make myself believe

But its only myself that I tend to deceive

Do not trust me

Do not trust me

For I can no longer trust myself

I hate what he has done to me

I hate what he has done to me

Look what this has made of me

2 or three minutes it wasn’t worth it

It wasn’t worth it

Please please

Please forgive me

I’m the one to suffer

Do not feel hurt

I’m the one to suffer

Just treat me like dirt

Throw me in the gutter just where I belong

I let him do those things to me

So now I’m paralyzed

And I can not sleep

After going home that day I went in to shock

Sprawled out on my bed thoughts raced through to smash my head

I am paralyzed I can no longer see

I can no longer move

I went into shock my body started shaking

I hate what he has made of me

Made me his little toy

Just to fuck with, you stupid fucking boy

Ruined my life, and because of you I no longer trust myself

I am worthless now

For no one to love

Flying away now I’m a black dove

Paralyzed

Not trusting myselfIf I could let this happen

what else could I be capable of

Hurting everyone in my life

making everybody cry

I cant take it anymore



I don’t want to hurt my friend anymore

How can she ever even look at me the same

after I've done these things over and over again

I cant imagine that deep down

she even still wants to be my friend

Dont want to hurt my family anymore

I can’t do it anymore

I do not trust myself

So please stay away from me

Do not look at me

Deceive.



As he laid on top of me I suddenly froze

He said nothing, And took off my clothes

I tried to move and put my hands over my face

To try not to see

What later would make me the disgrace

But I forgot to shut my eyes

I saw everything that happened

And didn’t realize.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

I dont know whats been my problem these last few months I've turned into somone whos hurt people that I love so much in my life. And I cant stand to see them hurt.I'm sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry, im so sorry I just wanted to feel love but instead I got someone who just wanted to fuck me and I lost trust from the most important people in my life.my mother and my best friend.

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last updated 12 October 2010 - 4:38am
©6 September 2004 - 7:41pm — sweetiepeachy
8 September 2004 - 6:48pm — Marilyn (mom) (not verified)
Marilyn (mom)'s picture

I read your beautiful poems and they always make me cry. I wish I could stop your pain and somehow make you feel happy and good about yourself. You are my beautiful child and you have such a gift to be able to express yourself with your writing. I hope and pray that you will stop feeling guilty for having human emotions and reaching out for love. Don't worry about people trusting you. Just try to stop giving into self-destructive urges and start believing in yourself. Your family will always love and support you no matter what. Your friends have their own issues and have to be crazy not to love you too. Don't give up on them, but open your eyes to others who might help make your world a happier place. Your poems are awesome and I love and respect you as a poet, daughter and a beautiful person.