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Uneven breaths
The distance between us seems endless
Yet you're only two feet away by measure
I wish I could reach you like I used to,
You know, in the way that a look,
or a penetrating thought could
Or that soul song we used to sing
when the world seemed perfect
Where You fluttered like a moth
And I danced like a flame
When I resonated through you
And your eyes used to burn deep into me
When your touch electrified
And my kiss hypnotised
As you sleep dreaming of flightful fancies
I hope I meet you there soon
But first, stop your bloody snoring!
This majestic heartsong
This majestic heartsong blooms as it grows brighter and brighter; each line is a bud, opening a new surprise until it pulls out the final gift.
"And I danced like a flame
When I resonated through you"
A precious, quotable micropoem within the poem.
And that twist at the end: priceless! That last line, sparkling with bold, lighthearted wit, expresses lasting devotion as well.
You shine!
Snoring, what a dilemma. We
Snoring, what a dilemma. We both snore and both rely on our respironic machines. So this distance is real even in the closeness of proximity. It's all too real at certain moments and whole periods.
here is poetry that doesn't always conform
galateus, arkayye, arqios,arquious, crypticbard, excalibard, wordweaver
This poem is so cohesive, and
This poem is so cohesive, and so compact, that every line becomes my favorite as I read it, and then the next line affter that becomes my favorite while reading it, and so on right until the end. This poem, remarkably, presents some very profound emotion without becoming pompous; and that final line grounds it in the very real situation that we all share---when the most intense emotions, desires and responses can be punctuated by the sound of snoring. We are capable of highly spiritual aspirations, and yet we have the vulnerabilities of snoring, after-dinner indigestion, or stepping into dog poop while mowing the lawn.
The digit in the second line is a little bit of an eye-stumbler; and, in my opinion, should be replaced by the word "two" in order to keep the poem internally consistent. I raise this issue only because the poem is so genuinely efficient in its effect that something as small as an eye-stumble should just be removed and replaced. In a mediocre poem, such a thing would not matter at all; in an artistic poem, as this one is, it matters so much more. I am not making a criticism, just a suggestion; the poem is too overwhelmingly beautiful to criticize.
And that tenth line---wow! That is one of the most beautiful lines I have ever read---in any poem, at any time, anywhere. Consisting of five words, it does not call attention to itself, and yet, like a tightly coiled spring, it releases tremendous power. I have read the poem more than once just to get to that tenth line and feel the uncoiling of its power.
Although the breaths, in its title, may be uneven, the quality of the poem and the verbal skill it displays is entirely consistent from first to last syllable, a seamless piece in which every component contributes to the overall impact of its verbal beauty. Thank you for sharing this magnificent poem with us.
Seryddwr
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the glorious effort you have taken to carefully consider this work and 2 into two has been duly noted and affirmed. I have changed it best blessings ss
Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS
"Well, it's love, but not as we know it."
Thank you for the reply. Let
Thank you for the reply. Let me say thanks, again, for posting this magnificent poem.
Seryddwr