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Dear Mr.Wormwood,



This is a letter to inform you that your complaints

have been heard and I WILL endeavor to keep little

Jimmy from creaking so in the hallways at night, but

for goodness sakes, please remove the garlic from your

doorways. It does nothing but agitate my sinuses and

won't help your cause at all.



Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus







Dear Mr. Wormwood:



I am sorry that I have been unable to keep my promise.

You must understand that Jimmy is only a child and apt

to find mischief. Toothpaste DOES wash from walls. Try

vinegar diluted with a bit of water, and peanut butter

should help remove the gum from your Suzy's hair.

(Really, don't you think she's a little old to keep

wadded chewing gum on her bedstead?)



The lamp falling from the nightstand was my fault and

I do send out a heartfelt apology, but you must

understand how your screaming through the night at the

slightest noise effects my nerves. I am certain that I

am not ALL to blame.



Whether we like it or not we are neighbors. Let's get

along for the children's' sake at least!



Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus





Dear Mr. Wormwood:



What is all this nonsense?  You've got my good suit

damp, and I haven't any other! Little Jimmy's hair was

quite wet, and he's coming down with a cold. Don't

complain to me when he sneezes in your halls.



Holy water! Really! You should be ashamed of

yourselves!



Sincerely Mr. R. Mortus





Dear Mr. Wormwood:



I'm sorry to seem so amused after the work you went to

with Mrs. Wormwood to "rouse the souls of the dead."

All that chanting left your throat scratchy, I

imagine.



I HOPE you didn't fall for the show that old quack put

on last night. I admit it was rather amusing to watch

her roll her eyes and moan. But I promise you I was

not the victim of murder, nor was I the captain of a

ship. I am prone toward seasickness and never learned

to swim, so I stay far from any body of water.



As for her "second sight"; I took the trouble to say

hello to her as she headed to her car (counting the

bills you paid her) and the "second" she took "sight"

of me, she ran screaming to her car, dropping the

bills behind her. I'm sorry, but puns are a specialty

of mine and I can't help putting them to use once in a

while.



I placed the bills under the large rock in your front

yard.



Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus.





Dear Mr. Wormwood:



I apologize again. (it seems that is all I do lately).

I was only trimming my mustache, and didn't realize

Mrs. Wormwood was in the bath as she had the curtain

drawn.



I am sure she has nothing to be ashamed of. (You are a

lucky man, Mr. Wormwood!) Tell her to leave a scarf

tied to the door if the bathroom is occupied. Doors

being closed mean nothing to me, you know.



Sincerely,



Mr. R. Mortus







Dear Mr. Wormwood:



Of course my last correspondence wasn't written in

blood! How gruesome! I simply couldn't lay hold of a

pen and paper and borrowed a lipstick. I chose the

refrigerator for it's slick surface and easy cleaning.

I wouldn't dream of ruining your wallpaper!



As for this hideous screaming that your family is so

fond of, it is growing rather tiresome and excites my

migraine.



Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus





Dear Mr. Wormwood:



The electric typewriter you left me in the attic was a

nice gesture! I am sure I won't have to dirty your

refrigerator door again, anyway!



Your suggestion that I take up residency in your attic

is a sensible one as it would give us both privacy,

but you must understand that the attic is not well

suited for daily life. It is dusty and rather riddled

with rats and spiders. It creeps me out, typing here

in the night, even.



I also appreciate your following my advice about the

scarves. As for Jimmy's continuing tormenting of your

daughter. I do apologize, but he IS rather fond of

Suzy and she pays him little attention unless he

causes some mischief or the other. Besides, he has

nothing else to occupy him, and Suzy's bangs will grow

back in full given due time.



Sincerely,



Mr. R. Mortus    







Dear Mr. Wormwood:



This will be my last correspondence, as you've decided

to allow me to communicate to you face-to-face without

screaming and running. I simply wanted to put my

thanks in writing.



How nice it was that you outfitted the attic for us! I

am sure Suzy remains unbothered as I cannot tear Jimmy

from the TV and his video games.



As for myself, I do enjoy the satellite television

(though with 200 hundred channels, it still seems

there is nothing to watch)! I also enjoy the bathroom

you installed. (The battery-powered mustache trimmer

was a nice touch!)



I am sure that I could have no nicer neighbors than

you! I hope you don't mind if I come for a visit now

and then. A hundred and fifty year old child is poor

companionship for a man well in his thousands!



Would you like a game of checkers?



Sincerely,



Mr. R. Mortus