PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

I allow people to get to me.  I permit, too much I expect, other people's actions to influence mine.  I wish I had the willpower to resist.  To resist outside influence and be my own person.  Be free from coercion and manipulation and the deceit that flourishes around me.  Granted, I realize I am sometimes apparently open to the coercion of sorts.  Often times, however, it is because I do not realize the manipulation is taking place until after the fact, resulting in my seemingly passive acceptance of it.  

I need to determine how to distance myself from those who would guide me.  It matters not whether it be good or bad guidance, nor what their intentions be, because that is all based on perspective.  I can still take their words under advisement, but they will not directly affect my actions.  I need to learn to take a step back from the situation and view it from a clean, unbiased outlook, or at least as much of one that is humanly possible.  But how do I learn which words be true and worth taking note of, and which be false?  How do I learn which influences to heed?  Surely they're not all bad? Surely.  

If only I could let go.  And not just of the influence others have over me.  But to let go of others in general.  I don't know why I feel the need to hang on so tight.  Maybe I fear losing some stability they provide for me.  Even it's not good stability, it's still something I've grown accustomed to, come to expect.  We humans, we are creatures of habit.  When that routine that we go through is disrupted we become anxious and scared.  For some that routine they follow is more a loose outline of basic concepts.  For me, not so much.  There are certain things I expect to happen everyday, and a goodly number of them are not such wonderful things.  But when one of those things fails to happen, I begin feeling lost and anxious.  

I am so dependent on those around me to regulate my moods.  When those who either make me happy or make me sad are gone my mood gets out of whack.  What's odd, however, is the fact that I get depressed when either of these things is missing.  Granted I get more depressed when I do get yelled at and ranted at.  And it crashes to an all time low mood when that happens in conjunction with those who make me happy are gone.  

Why am I so dependent on people?  I have this semi-conscious fear that everything with order in, or that lends order to, my life is going to disappear.  I'm afraid those people I look to for support will turn their backs on me, stop caring.  That would leave me deep in this hole I've dug for myself, and with no one around to lend a hand and help me climb out.  I know I slip back in occasionally, but what can I say, the walls are steep and have relatively few handholds.  It's those people who I'm close to who I rely on to help me out of this hole of suffocating depression and listlessness.  

I wish I could climb out of this hole myself.  I wish I was capable of it at the moment.  However, I realize that it will take a great deal of time before I'm ready to climb solo.  Right now though, my fear of losing my safety harness is making it more difficult to climb.  I'm so preoccupied with my fear of losing someone, anyone who's made a difference in my life, be it good or bad, that I can't focus on the primary task at hand; getting out of this hole.  

I need to learn to let go a little more.  Not totally, but enough that I can become a little more independent.  Enough so that I can truly be me.  After all, those who I should be afraid to lose won't care that I'm becoming more independent and moving away from them a bit.  Only those who need to suck something from me will plague me and be afraid of me changing.  If only I could put it into action.  If only I could tell the difference between my friends more easily.