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There's something seriously wrong with me.  I'm all shaky and I dunno... I don't understand what's going on with me.  I'm trying to find a way to regulate my emotions.  I'm trying not to be destructive.  I guess writing like this is a way to manage these feelings.  I write, I shuffles cards, I've even decided to try drawing on myself.  Maybe that will work since I'll feel something against my skin.  

It's reaching the breaking point, the point of ultimate frustration.  So now, not only am I feeling depressed, but its also been combined with my frustration of not being able to handle this.  What can't I control myself!?  What am I doing wrong!?  I don't understand myself.  I feel like I need an outlet for my depression, frustration, and other various feelings.  But I don't have one.  And I can't get one either, at least not with my conscious, because   I'm afraid I would get angry.  And it's bad to let anger show.  That just strengthens its hold on you.  So I am at loss for words.  

I went to visit Mrs. Van Strien.  She's really nice, and although I think I would honestly enjoy talking to her on a more regular basis, I have this feeling that it may not happen.  I think talking to her would help me to better control these outbursts of angst and anxiety.  

Unfortunately I'm only allowed to go see her once without a parent knowing.  And I'm terribly afraid of my parents overreacting.  She said we can make it all seem benign, like I'm just stressed out about classes and going to college and stuff.  But I think that that would lead to questions, perhaps uncomfortable questions.  They will want to know why I won't talk to them about my problems.  I can't say, not with a definite answer.  Perhaps it's just easier for me to talk to a relative stranger that to talk to them.  Some things need to keep a sense of distance.  

I don't understand why I let people make me cry.  I mean, once I realize I'm even anywhere close to that point, is walking away so hard?  Is slamming a door all that hard!?  And why do I feel like displaying any sort of aggression is bad?  Why do I feel the need to bottle up all the anger I have?  And even worse, why do I have to believe in taking what I get?  

I'm afraid this bottle is going to burst one of these days, and it's not going to be pretty.  The real question though, is whom is it going to blow up on.  The people around me, or me myself?  I need to learn to stand up for myself, to speak out and express myself.  People tell me I need to release my anger when that happens.  But I can't.  I don't know how.  

All of this is leading me to terrible things.  I've done things to myself, and contemplated even worse.  And normally it results from letting someone get to me, or because I've dwelt too much on the past.  I am ashamed of all that I've done and thought about doing.  That shame leads me into an inescapable cycle that spirals ever downwards.  I need to find a way to draw myself out of this black hole.  It sucks me in, pressuring me.  It's going to crush me beneath its awesome weight.  And woe when it does.