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Education
I wish I had managed to get through school.
Currently, all of my friends are either on their way back into college, are very close to graduating or have graduated already. I have a handful of acquaintances who never got themselves to enroll or could never afford it, but, and I know that this sounds terrible: I don't want to be associated with them in that regard.
I went to school on and off for nearly three years and walked away with nothing to show for it but a lot of debt and and a lot of pent up frustration. Cincinnati State was such a joke of a facility that I regret ever signing up for their classes. Sure, they're cheaper and easier to manage, but their advisors, their professors and their system are all such a complete disappointment that it's hard not hate myself for ever trying to rely on them. And now I'm at this stage of my life: I have less money than I ever have, I barely have a job and I have absolutely no direction.
Much of the time, I'm able to ignore all of this. I initially dropped out when Emily dumped me because I simply couldn't handle being there. I could barely go outside at that time as I was constantly having panic-attacks. I did eventually go back (three different times, in fact) only to fall out of the rotation time and again because I just didn't know what I was doing there. Eventually, when it was clear that I didn't have it in me to make it through the Graphic Design program, I settled on a simply General Associates Degree. At the end of the day I couldn't even manage to achieve something as simple as that. I'm only a handful of credits away, but I just can't get myself to focus on school anymore. All of my classes left-over are Mathematics, which is the subject that completely confuses me no matter how simple it may be to others. I tried one last time a little while ago while I was still dating Megan, but sadly I was too far-gone at the time and was smoking far too much marijuana to be able to focus on anything so academic. Towards the end of the term, I simply stopped going to class, and once again allowed my GPA to take another failing grade, just like I used to do all the damn time.
Honestly, this wouldn't matter to me at all if I knew I had any hope for a career that didn't involve a college education. I'm so good at so many things, but none of them matter. None of them are practical skills, and I'm not good enough at any one of them to allow them to take me anywhere in this life. I suppose that in my head, I was sure that my good luck would last and that, like my Dad, I'd stumble into something that really works for me and that I'd be successful at. I'm still young, but I don't have patience for it anymore. I'm tired of waiting, all the while wallowing in my own personal failures.
At this point, I really can't have anything I want. The kinds of girls that I desire (intelligent, creative, independent, interesting girls) will most likely be searching for a man that has a future. Anyone can look at me and see that I have no future. I have no money and can't even manage to find a full-time job. I hardly even want to because I know I'm simply going to end up with another occupation that I hate completely. And it's all my fault, because I couldn't do what everyone else my age is doing and simply force my way through school.
Life as of now is nothing but dull, stressful uncertainty. I'm not doing anything to help myself besides taking a break from the weed, and that really isn't enough. I spent the entire night puking myself inside-out so yet again, I have to miss work.
For some time I really never wanted to be anything other than what I am. I was proud that I've managed to stay so honest and kind despite the fact that there's really no reason to be either of those things in this world. But now I find that I wish I could be anyone but myself, as long as it meant that I could finally get my shit together and start moving towards something significant.
I'm back to thinking about death all of the time. I'll never be so selfish as to actually go through with it, but I hate the fact that I dwell on the scenario at all. I feel alone. I'm a disappoint to myself and to everyone that believed I'd grow up to be something great. It seems that the entire world believed in me despite the fact that I never did, but sadly, the only person that really matters is me. And since I don't believe, and probably never will, I suppose I'll simply be this way for good.
And it's funny, because I had always joked that I was going to be a failure.
Seems that now, I actually am.
