PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

I suppose I've been living my life as a generator for inner turmoil. The most dramatic experiences of my life have been, at least in part, due to my own actions or my own lack of action. I haven't doomed myself to anything permanent, but this maze I've become so lost in just seems to drag on for thousands of miles. I do what I can to stay occupied and I continue to struggle for some true sense of self-satisfaction and worth. But it never stays. It never stays for more than a few minutes; an hour or two at best. And that seems to be entirely thanks to my inability to accept myself in any feasible way.



My cat is hurt again. I don't want him to be hurting. I want to him to frolick and play and be a pain in ass, so that I can scoop him up or yell at him or have a little battle with him over the edge of my bed. He's the only household cure I have for this unending sense of hateful loneliness. I suppose my reasons for wishing him good health are selfish at root, but I've come to think of humanity as a species that is entirely motivated by greed. No matter how good are intentions: In the end, we only act to fulfill ourselves.



I'm jealous of Kevin. In every way, I wish I could be more like him. I'm so jealous of him that it hurts to be around him. He's healthy, attractive, happy and creative in ways that I cannot train myself to be no matter how I try. He may be a little empty-headed, but I believe that may be part of why he is able to live in such a carefree manner. He has never experienced love, sex, or even something so simple as a kiss on the lips. But is that so bad? Despite its rewards, love is corruption in a sinister sense. It spawns new desires, and bends an otherwise level-headed person into something they've never imagined before.



I hate it. I hate being jealous of him. He's one of my best friends and the more time I spend around him, he seems to respect me more than any one else we know. Despite my many faults I do seem to be some sort of gravitational balance among our group of friends. It's extremely rare for anyone to have any kind of real disdain for me if I have any respect for them. But even still, it is there. In many ways, I can hardly stand to be around Kevin. It makes me conscious of my body, my mind and of all the barriers in my life. What I can't create, what I can't speak of, what does not cross my mind. I've come so far and I've done so many things to better myself, and yet it never feels like I'll be able to look into the mirror and appreciate the young man staring back at me.



I'm in love with Christina, and maybe I always have been. It fades and returns to focus as if it is operating on a particularly unstable mental signal. But it's there: The elephant in the room, the wrench in the cogs, the ghost in the machine, the crack in the mortar, the stick in the spokes. It hurts me nearly as much as my jealous for Kevin does, and I know exactly why this is: Because there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.



When I was allowed to be alone with my thoughts, I simply started thinking about the amalgam of complications I've established in my own mind. At that point, my clear and flowing logic concluded to me that there was absolutely nothing I could do about my love for Christina. You cannot choose who you love, and you cannot deny who you love. And now all I want to do is that write that fact down, so that I may look upon it and recognize it as truth. Being able to talk to or be around her is such a treat for me. In some pathetic way, it makes me feel like a kid again. Outside of being the object of my affection for so long, she has also always been a dear and loyal friend. Our terrible fight and all of the horrible things that we said and thought couldn't keep us away from each other. Even if we still exist only as friends, I cannot help but pine for her.



She some times will say things that can hypnotize me, or enlighten me, or send me spiraling down into a black pit of absolute zero. And isn't that the power a lover has over you? They control your every emotion, even if they don't want to. Christina probably doesn't realize the kind of sway she has over me. A simple text from her can decide the outcome of my entire day. At work, I could be feeling so miserably sorry for myself that I'm on the verge of becoming ill; but if Christina simply sends me a message saying she wants to see that night, I'll become excited and happy and clear, with a sense of purpose for the rest of my day.



I've always thought of it as pathetic, and maybe I will in some way for the rest of my life. But for now, I understand that there is a grand power at work that makes everything seem so dramatic when it comes to my relationship with Christina Harp: A sad, beautiful, neglected and desperate sensation of love.



I have to do everything I can to suppress it, but I can't deny that it's there. When I unlock my mind and bring down the walls, that is all I am able to tell myself: You cannot deny yourself.



You cannot deny yourself.



While Christina and I are around Kevin, she often gives him more attention than me. This drives me out of my mind because I see her as some sort of platonic lover. I want to be the center of her world, but I can't. That's okay, but it'll never stop hurting me until I find someone whom I can pretend is more worthwhile than Christina is. And right now, I have nobody to steal my thoughts away.



I am living from day to day with absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm sure as hell not the only one, but these thoughts do nothing to soothe the savage doubt. I like that expression. Doubts are always savage. It's a good way of putting things.



I feel inadequate and unworthy of anything. I feel as if I'm not worth falling in love with in any way. I don't really know what to do to rid myself of this dread. I'm trying everything I can to escape my own iron grip, but it's so difficult.



I think my tangle of bad vibrations with Kevin truly started thanks to Emily. When she told me that she found him more attractive than me, somehow, it hurt me more than anything else ever had in my entire life. Generally, I was never a very jealous person. But Emily managed to change that single-handedly. And I imagine in some sick way, she would be proud of that fact.



I really just don't have any idea of where to go or what to do now. Everything becomes a trial thanks to the prison I've build for myself; even things that I should truly enjoy. The comic was going so well and probably could've become successful in some way, hell maybe it still can, but I cracked under the pressure that I had created for myself and now, I have no desire to return to it other than to show the world that I'm not a quitter.



But that's exactly what I am.



I can't push any of my talents, or my hobbies, to the next level.



I want to be recognized so desperately. I want the world to know that I'm worth something, and more than ANYTHING else, I want to prove to myself that I'm worth something.



And nobody can help me with any of it. I'm on my own.



I've come to think that my entire life will be propelled by my sense of inner-conflict. No matter how easy I have things, I will always feel a sense of unease and a lack of satisfaction. In some way, I will always hate myself and strive to change the way that I am. I am currently being pushed forward by nothing any than this extreme inferiority complex that I've crafted. My struggle to deny it and overcome it seems to be all that I have, and it makes every day sad, boring, painful and full of ... Well, savage doubts.



People tell me that it will end some day, but honestly, I don't really think that it will.



Maybe that's the way Rob Ventre was meant to be, all along.