I remember my first crystal clear resolution day and the epiphany….
I resolved on that spring day in New York City on 151st street upon meeting in my opinion, the most beautiful, sweet, elegant, real young woman, Miss Debbie Morgan, the deep dimpled, natural beauty from my mom’s favorite soap opera, ’All My Children’, (where her role was Angie and Her love interest/baby daddy/ hubby to be was Jessie Hubbard), that I too could become one of the most gorgeous and influential people in my world- a singer, a poet, a dancer, and an actress- through never surrendering my dreams and not missing school anymore. She inspired me at a 15 minute chance meeting that life is short and our time here too powerful to waste. This Diva in her young starlet years was so graceful in her manner and demeanor that her presence was and is still the most memorable and cherished meeting of every star I have met. Her beginnings so humble and innocent in my eyes that I will not forget her and in my worst time of sorrow I am reflecting on her and it’s bringing me a strange comfort and peace because I am remembering my place in the world and I feel empowered and reenergized to begin my life again with new purpose. Her smile, decency, and kind words made me want to run to learn more about my ancestry and become a sponge of life…. This by the way is exactly what I have done. I surround myself with beautiful, culturally rich, diverse, loving caring far from perfect people who are raw in their quest for happiness in life and it enriches my life. I remember after seeing her running to my godmother’s apartment and watching Alex Haley’s ‘Roots’ and wishing to be one of the successful actors on television, then going to the library trying to become a language junkie, and sharpen my reading skills to be able to handle any role. I took dance classes and singing lessons. I lived my dream through school since life at home could be less than the stellar ‘Father Knows Best’ scenario. I thrived on becoming the most I could be in school. This dream was only nurtured by my mother who never had anything but gave me and my two sisters everything.
My mommy-my unsung hero who will possibly never understand the depths of my deep, twisted love for her. She was my world as a small girl. Though she hadn’t finished high school, she pushed me and my sisters quite far despite the obstacles life tossed at her, the worst of them, depression… so severe from love that wasn’t reciprocated in the same depth of kindness, dignity, respect or regard as it was shown.
Am I doomed to the same fate?
Though I saw all strong women, black and every spectrum, I still ended up with a husband who treated me like a trophy, a blow up doll, and had the idea that this kind of love was healthy to give and I was so blind to the real issues, I accepted it. Where had my power gone? It fled upon the launch of my own first daughter who I filled with my hopes, dreams, and inspirations of common sense which she accepted and was showered with, not to mention the unconditional love that is only shared between a mother and child. In the midst of the joy that was Jasmine, came my second daughter Jessica, who quickly took her self assumed- sister inflicted role of Irish twins and the two became Ying and Yang in the way they fit together and loved each other deeply, innocently and totally and shared all. No Mother could ask for a more loving set of children. My children, my greatest accomplishments, my gifts to the world in whom I was supposed to share the brilliant love I possess with the world and thought that I had, especially by the point that my one and only son, Orlando arrived in all his charismatic charm that shined from the moment of his birth like a magic spell cast on all who knew him. In this small bundle of joy, I wrapped my aspirations and expectations of not only the love, respect, endearingly meaningful, pure happiness and simple love that can only come from a child. I had accomplished a goal many people in the world have and are striving for in a mere 11 years. All my training, all my preparations that I looked to for money making purposes turned out to be some of the very tools it took to make 3 of the most down to earth, genuinely in-tune, individuals I will ever meet. God has been my head heart and soul provider and has blessed me to have not only this amazing family, but to have rubbed elbows with folks who had materialistic resources, but preferred to spend the most important time learning about and experiencing what’s real….FAMILY